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While leading the Friday evening services, the Rabbi noticed a member ofthe congregation, Bernie, walk in with a St. Bernard dog. The Rabbi,horrified, asked the Cantor to continue the service and went to talk toBernie.Rabbi: “What are doing here with a dog?

“Bernie: “The dog came here to pray.”"Oh, come on.” says the Rabbi.”YES!” says Bernie.Rabbi: “I don’t believe you. You are just fooling around; that’s not aproper thing to do in temple.”Bernie: “Its true!”..”Ok”, says the Rabbi, “then show me what the dog can do.”"OK” says Bernie nodding to the dog…The dog proceeds to open up thebarrel under his neck and removes a yarmulke, a tallis (puts them on hishead) and prayer book and actually starts saying prayers in Hebrew! TheRabbi is so shocked he listens for a full 15 minutes.When the Rabbi regains his composure, he is so impressed with the qualityof the praying he says to Bernie. “Do you think your dog would considergoing to Rabbinical school?

?

?

?

“Bernie, throwing up his hands in disgust says,”YOU TALK TO HIM! He wants to be a doctor!”

While participating is the Olympics a young gymnast had her first sexual experience, going to bed with a stunning foreign participant. Upon returning to her hometown, she promptly went to confession. After receiving absolution, the gymnast was so delighted that she did cartwheels down the aisle to the door. Waiting her turn, Old Mrs. Ole said to her friend, “can you believe what Father Johnson is giving for penance?

Of all the days for me not to be wearing panties.”

While practicing auto-rotations during a military night training exercise, a Huey Cobra messes up and lands on its tail rotor.The landing is so hard it breaks off the tail boom. However, the chopper fortunately remains upright on its skids, sliding down the runway, doing 360s.As the Cobra slides past the tower, trailing a brilliant shower of sparks, this radio exchange takes place:Tower: “Sir, do you need any assistance?

“Cobra: “I don’t know, Tower, we ain’t done crashin’ yet.”

While practicing autorotations during a military night training exercise a Huey Cobra screwed up the landing and landed on the tail rotor. The landing was so hard that it broke off the tail boom. However, the chopper fortunately remained upright on its skids, sliding down the runway doing 360s. As the Cobra slid past the tower, trailing a brilliant shower of sparks, this was the radio exchange that took place… Tower: “Sir, do you need any assistance?

” Cobra: “I don’t know Tower, we ain’t done crashin’ yet.”

While proudly showing off his new apartment to friends, a college student led the way into the den.”What is the big brass gong and hammer for?

” one of his friends asked.”That is the talking clock,” the man replied.”How’s it work?

” the friend asked.”Watch,” the student said then proceeded to give the gong an ear shattering pound with the hammer.Suddenly someone screamed from the other side of the wall, “KNOCK IT OFF, YOU JERK! It’s two AM!”

While shopping at the grocery store, I noticed that the tuna packed in spring water was labeled dolphin safe, but the tuna packed in oil was not.I mentioned this fact to the blonde cashier and mused out loud, “I wonder why?

“The blonde replied, “Must be because the oil would suffocate them.”

While sports fishing off the Florida coast, a tourist capsized his boat. He could swim, but his fear of alligators kept him clinging to the overturned craft. Spotting and old beachcomber standing on the shore, the tourist shouted,”Are there any gators around here?

!” “Naw,” the man hollered back, “they ain’t been around for years!” “Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming leisurely toward the shore. About halfway there he asked the guy,”How’d you get rid of the gators?

” “We didn’t do nothin’,” the beachcomber said. “The sharks got ‘em.”

While the pope was visiting the USA, he told the driver of his limo that he has the sudden urge to drive. The driver was a good Catholic man, and would not ever dream of questioning the pope’s authority. So the pope sat at the wheel, while his driver got in the back.They were traveling down the road doing between 70 and 80 mph, when a policeman happened to see them. As he pulled them over, he called in to headquarters reporting a speeding limo, with a VIP inside it.The chief asked: “Who is in the limo, the mayor?

“The policeman told him: “No, someone more important than the mayor.”Then the chief asked “Is it the governor?

“The policeman answered: “No, someone more important than the governor.”The chief finally asked: “Is it the President?

“The policeman answered: “No, someone even more important than the President.”This made the chief very angry and he bellowed: “Now who is m ore important than the President?

!”The policeman calmly wispered: “I’ll put it to you this way chief. I don’t know who is this guy, but he has the pope as his chauffeur.”

While trying to diagnose a problem over the phone I told the user to type out his autoexec.bat file.He said it said “File not found”.I told him to do a dir.I asked him if he saw autoexec.bat listed.He said, “Well it says autoexec, then there’s some spaces, but no dot, and then it says bat.”I said type this in “type autoexec.bat”.Again he got “File not found”.I asked him to tell me exactly what he typed.He said, “I typed just what you told me: `type autoexecdotbat’.

Who are the hamburgers favourite people?

Vegetarians!

Who brings the Christmas presents to police stations?

Santa Clues.

Who can beat any burger at golf?

Any LINKS sausage!

Who delievers cat’s Christmas presents ?

Santa Paws !

Who delievers elephants’s Christmas presents?

Elephanta Claus !

Who delivers Easter treats to all the fish in the sea?

The Oyster Bunny!

Who delivers presents to baby sharks at Christmas ?

Santa Jaws !

Who designed Noah’s ark?

An ark-itect !

Who did the breeder call when his horse was possessed by an evil spirit?

An exhorsist!

Who did the ghost invite to his party?

Anyone he could dig up.

Who do elephants get their christmas presents from ?

Elephanta Claus !

Who do hamburgers love on TV?

Archie Bunker’s son-in-law, the meathead!

Who do they get for Babe the pig’s dangerous movie scenes?

A stunt ham.

Who do you think was sent to cover the story of the baby lion born in the zoo?

A cub reporter.

Who do zombie cowboys fight?

Deadskins.

Who do zombie cowboys fight?

Deadskins.

Who does a ghoul fall in love with?

His ghoul friend.

Who does Dracula get letters from?

His fang club.

Who doesn’t like to sit in front of the fire?

A Snowman.

Who drives away all his customers ?

A taxi driver.

Who drives away all of his customers?

A taxicab driver.

Who dropped a wad of notes with an elastic band round them?

I did! Well, here’s the elastic band.

Who gave the Liberty Bell to Philadelphia ?

Must have been a duck family A duck family ?

Didn’t you say there was a quack in it !

Who has a long nose, wears a mask, and sits tall in the saddle?

The Lone Aardvark!

Who has large antlers, a high voice and wears white gloves ?

Mickey Moose !

Who has the best website in the jungle?

The Onlion King.

Who has the most dangerous job in Transylvania?

Dracula’s dentist.

Who held the baby octopus to ransom ?

Squidnappers !

Who holds up stagecoaches and steals laptop computers?

Click Turpin

Who invented King Arthur’s round table ?

Sir Circumference !

Who invented the telephone?

The Phoenicians (phone-itions).

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