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When is your birthday?

17th January. What year?

Every year!

When is your mind like a rumpled bed?

When it isn’t made up yet.

When Joe’s wife ran away with his car, his money and his best friend, he got so depressed that his doctor sent him to see a psychiatrist.Joe told the psychiatrist his troubles and said, “Life isn’t worth living. I think I’m gonna top myself.”"Don’t be stupid, Joe,” said the psychiatrist. “My wife ran off and left me too, yet I’m happy.”"How?

” asked Joe.”Easy,” replied the quack. “I threw myself into my work. I totally submerged myself in my job and soon forgot her. By the way, Joe, what work do you do?

“”I clean out septic tanks.” Joe replied.

When Lee ate raw onions for a week what did he become?

Lone Lee.

When Mike got arrested, they told him, “Anything you say will be held against you.”Mike said, “Claudia Schiffer’s breasts.”

When Mr Maxwell’s wife left him, he couldn’t sleep. Why was that?

She had taken the bed.

When Mr. Maxwell’s wife left him he couldn’t sleep.”She took the bed!”

When not in stores, Republicans shop from a catalog. Democrats watch for “incredible TV offers” on late night television.

When our second child was on the way, my wife and I attended a pre-birth class aimed at couples who had already had at least one child.The instructor raised the issue of breaking the news to the older child. It went like this: “Some parents,” she said, “tell the older child, ‘We love you so much we decided to bring another child into this family.’ But think about that. Ladies, what if your husband came home one day and said, ‘Honey, I love you so much I decided to bring home another wife.’” One of the women spoke up immediately. “Does she cook?

?

?

“

When pigs get a toothache, who do they see?

‘ Painless Porker.

When pigs have a party, who jumps out of the cake?

Nobody. The pigs all jump in.

When Shall We Meet Again ?

by Miles Apart

When should a mouse carry an umbrella ?

When it’s raining cats and dogs !

When should you feed milk to a baby elephant ?

When it’s a baby elephant !

When should you feel sorry for a skunk?

When its spray pump is out of order!

When that fool Reagan said that the Soviet Union was a failedexperiment headed for the ash heap of history, I knew he was ademagogue.When that fool Reagan said that the Soviet Union was an evilempire, I knew he was a dangerous kook.When that fool Reagan said that we could end the Cold War byescalating the arms race, I knew the odds favored nuclearannihilation.When the Soviet Union went broke, dissolved, and repudiatedits past, I knew it was all Gorbachev’s genius, and that fool Reaganhad nothing to do with it.Because if that fool Reagan was right all along……what kind of fool am I?

When the airline Captain announced they were flying over Salt LakeCity, Utah, a womantold the man sitting beside her, “I understand this is the home of theMormon religionwhere husbands believe it’s OK to have more than one wife.” That’strue,” he replied, “asa matter of fact I happen to be a Mormon myself and have nine wives.”"Howdisgusting,”she said,”you should be ashamed of yourself, suchpractices should be againstthe law and you ought to be hung.” With a slight grin, he just said,”Yes, mam I am.”

When the cat’s away…..?

The house smells better !

When the cat’s away…..?

The house smells better !

When the crooked hamburger took it on the ‘lamb’, where did it go?

Oh, ‘ewe’ know!

When the employees of a restaurant attended a fire safety seminar, they watched a fire official demonstrate the proper way to operate an extinguisher. “Pull the pin like a hand grenade,” he explained, “then depress the trigger to release the foam.”Later an employee was selected to extinguish a controlled fire in the parking lot. In her nervousness, she forgot to pull the pin.The instructor hinted, “Like a hand grenade, remember?

“In a burst of confidence she pulled the pin — and hurled the extinguisher at the blaze.

When the employees of a restaurant attended a fire safety seminar, they watched a fire official demonstrate theproper way to operate an extinguisher. “Pull the pin like a hand grenade,” he explained, “then depress the triggerto release the foam.” Later an employee was selected to extinguish a controlled fire in the parking lot. In her nervousness, she forgotto pull the pin. The instructor hinted, “Like a hand grenade, remember?

” In a burst of confidence she pulled the pin — and hurled the extinguisher at the blaze.

When the lumberjacks sawed down the tree, where did the Gorilla hiding in the uppermost branches land?

Nearby – the Ape-lle doesn’t fall far from the tree!

When the new patient was settled comfortably on the couch, the physiatrist began his therapy session, “I’m not aware of your problem,” the doctor said. “So perhaps, you should start at the very beginning.”"Of course.” replied the patient. “In the beginning, I created the Heavens and the Earth…”

When the office photo-copies began to look faint, the office manager called in a local repair service. The friendly technician after inspecting the equipment, informed the manager that the machine was in need of a good cleaning. The tech suggested that someone might try reading the operator’s manual and perform the job themselves, since it would cost $100.00, if he did the work. Pleasantly surprised by his candor, the office manager asks, “Does your boss know you are discouraging business?

” “Actually, my boss demands we explain this to all our customers”. “After people try first to fix things themselves, we end-up making much more money on repairs”

When the picture of the vampire’s grandmother crashed to the floor in the middle of the night what did it mean?

That the nail had come out of the wall.

When the school was broken into, the thieves took absolutely everything – desks, books, blackboards, everything apart from the soap in the lavatories and all the towels. The police are looking for a pair of dirty criminals.

When the waitress in a New York City restaurant brought him the soup du jour, the Englishman was a bit dismayed. “Good heavens,” he said, “what is this?

“”Why, it’s bean soup,” she replied.”I don’t care what it has been,” he sputtered. “What is it now?

“

When they arrived at the therapist’s office, the therapist jumped right in and opened the floor for discussion. “What seems to be the problem?

” Immediately, the husband held his long face down without anything to say. On the other hand, the wife began talking 90 miles and hour describing all the wrongs within their marriage. After 5 – - 10 – - 15 minutes of listening to the wife, the therapist went over to her, picked her up by her shoulders, kissed her passionately for several minutes, and sat her back down. Afterwards, the wife sat there – speechless. He looked over at the husband who was staring in disbelief at what had happened. The therapist spoke to the husband, “Your wife NEEDS that at least twice a week!” The husband scratched his head and replied, “I can have her here on Tuesdays and Thursdays.”

When this guy heard that the Pope was coming to town, he wentout and bought a tuxedo in the hope that the Pope might noticehim on the parade route. When he went to the parade, there wasthis bum standing next to him, with old, dirty clothes on. Thethe guy’s amazement, when the Pope came, he went over to thebum, and whispered something in his ear. Enraged, the guy wentover to the bum and offered him $100 for the clothes off hisback. Next day, he went back to the parade dressed like a bum.Sure enough, when the Pope came, he stopped in front of thisguy, and whispered in his ear, “I thought I told you to getthe hell out of here!”

When toasting the holidays, Republicans ask for eggnog or mulled wine. Democrats ask for a “Bud.”

When were King Arthur’s army too tired to fight ?

When they had lots of sleepless knights !

When you are young, you want to be the master of your fate and the captain of your soul. When you are older, you will settle for being the master of your weight and the captain of your bowling team.

When you call a dog, they usually come to you.When you call a cat; they take a message.

When you catch your dog eating a dictionary, what should you do?

Take the words right out of his mouth.

When you go for a bus ride, do you like sitting upstairs or downstairs?

I prefer to ride on top, but it’s very hard getting the horse up the stairs.

When young Jose, newly arrived in the United States, made his first trip to Yankee Stadium, there were no tickets left for sale. Touched by his disappointment, a friendly ticket salesman found him a perch near the American flag. Later, Jose wrote home enthusiastically about his experience. “And the Americans, they are so friendly!” he concluded. “Before the game started, they all stood up and looked at me and sang, …. ‘Jose, can you see?

‘”

Where are most fish found ?

Between the head and the tail !

Where can a burger get a great night’s sleep?

On a bed of lettuce!

Where can you always find money?

In the dictionary.

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