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While I was waiting to see the dentist, a woman came out of his inner office smiling. Nodding to me, she said, “Thank goodness my work is completed. I’m so glad to have found a painless dentist and one who’s so gentle and understanding too.” When seated in the dentist chair, I related the incident to the doctor. He laughed and explained, “Oh, that was just my Mother.”

Where will a springer spaniel never shop?

At a flea market!

Which big cat should you never play cards with ?

A cheetah !

Which dances do the burgers do best?

The burger-loo and the char char!

Which dance will a chicken not do ?

The foxtrot !

Which dog can tell time?

A watchdog.

Which dog is always without a tail?

A hot dog.

Which dog eats with its tail?

All dogs keep their tails on when eating.

Which dog eats with its tail?

All dogs keep their tails on when eating.

Which dog tastes better when eaten?

A hot dog.

Which dog looks like a cat?

A police dog in disguise.

Which football team to you need to connect up your computer?

Leeds.

Which kind of ink do you put in your computer’s printer?

Black, Red or Iced?

Iced Ink?

Well, yes you do, but I didn’t want to mention it.

Which is the only day you you are safe in a cannibal village ?

Sitter days (when they eat the baby-sitter instead)!

Which of Santa’s reindeers needs to mind his manners the most?

“Rude”olph

Which snakes are found on cars?

Windscreen vipers.

While away at a convention, an executive happened to meet a young woman who waspretty and intelligent. When he persuaded her to disrobe in his hotel room, hefound out she had a superb body as well. Unfortunately, the executive foundhimself unable to perform.On his first night home, the executive walked from the shower into the bedroomto find his wife covered in a rumpled bathrobe, her hair curled, her facecreamed, munching candy loudly while she pored through a movie magazine.Then, without warning, he felt the onset of a magnificent erection.Looking down at this, he snarled, “Why you ungrateful, mixed-up son of a bitch.Now I know why they call you a prick!”

While driving along the back roads of a small town, two truckers came to an overpass with a sign that read CLEARANCE 11′3.”They got out and measured their rig, which was 12′4.”"What do you think?

” one asked the other.The driver looked around carefully, then shifted into first. “Not a cop in sight. Let’s take a chance!”

While participating is the Olympics a young gymnast had her first sexual experience, going to bed with a stunning foreign participant. Upon returning to her hometown, she promptly went to confession. After receiving absolution, the gymnast was so delighted that she did cartwheels down the aisle to the door. Waiting her turn, Old Mrs. Ole said to her friend, “can you believe what Father Johnson is giving for penance?

Of all the days for me not to be wearing panties.”

While trying to diagnose a problem over the phone I told the user to type out his autoexec.bat file.He said it said “File not found”.I told him to do a dir.I asked him if he saw autoexec.bat listed.He said, “Well it says autoexec, then there’s some spaces, but no dot, and then it says bat.”I said type this in “type autoexec.bat”.Again he got “File not found”.I asked him to tell me exactly what he typed.He said, “I typed just what you told me: `type autoexecdotbat’.

Who brings the Christmas presents to police stations?

Santa Clues.

Who delivers Easter treats to all the fish in the sea?

The Oyster Bunny!

Who delivers presents to baby sharks at Christmas ?

Santa Jaws !

Who delievers elephants’s Christmas presents?

Elephanta Claus !

Who delievers cat’s Christmas presents ?

Santa Paws !

Who do elephants get their christmas presents from ?

Elephanta Claus !

Who do zombie cowboys fight?

Deadskins.

Who do zombie cowboys fight?

Deadskins.

Who drives away all of his customers?

A taxicab driver.

Who drives away all his customers ?

A taxi driver.

Who has the most dangerous job in Transylvania?

Dracula’s dentist.

Who holds up stagecoaches and steals laptop computers?

Click Turpin

Who is in cowboy films and is always broke?

Skint Eastwood.

Who is tall, dark and a great dancer ?

Dark Raver !

Who is never hungry at Christmas ?

The turkey – he’s always stuffed !

Who is the biggest gangster in the sea ?

Al Caprawn !

Who is the dogs favourite comedian ?

Growlcho Marx !

Who is the Easter Bunny’s favourite movie actor?

Rabbit De Niro!

Who is the strongest thief?

A shoplifter.

Who lost a herd of elephants ?

Big bo peep !

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