Several weeks after a young man had been hired, he was called intothe personnel director’s office. “What is the meaning of this?
” thedirector asked. “When you applied for this job, you told us you had fiveyears experience. Now we discovered this is the first job you’ve everheld.””Well,” the young man replied, “in your advertisement you said youwanted somebody with imagination.”
Seventy-two-year-old Edgar recently picked a new primary care physician. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, the doctor said Edgar was doing “fairly well” for his age.A little concerned about that comment, Edgar couldn’t resist asking the doctor, “Do you think I’ll live to be 80?
“The doctor asked, “Well, do you smoke or drink beer?
“”Oh no,” Edgar replied, “I’ve never done either.”Then the doctor asked, “Do you eat rib-eye steaks and bar-b-qued ribs?
“Edgar said, “No, I’ve heard that all red meat is very unhealthful!””Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf?
” the doctor asked.”No, I don’t,” Edgar replied.Then the doctor asked, “Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or run around with women?
“”No,” Edgar said, “I don’t do any of those things.”The good doctor looked at Edgar and said, “Then why the heck do you want to live to be 80?
“
Seriously, when the crooked hamburger took it on the 1am, where did it go?
Heidelburg-er, Germany!
Seems there was a young soldier, who, just before battle, told his sergeant that he didn’t have a rifle.”That’s no problem, son,” said the sergeant. “Here, take this broom. Just point it at the Germans, and go ‘Bangety Bang Bang’.””But what about a bayonet, Sarge?
” asked the young (and gullible) recruit.The sergeant pulls a piece of straw from the end of the broom, and attaches it to the handle end. “Here, use this… just go, ‘Stabity Stab Stab’.”The recruit ends up alone on the battlefield, holding just his broom. Suddenly, a German soldier charges at him. The recruit points the broom, “Bangety Bang Bang!” The German falls dead.More Germans appear. The recruit, amazed at his good luck, goes “Bangety Bang Bang! Stabity Stab Stab!” He mows down the enemy by the dozens. Finally, the battlefield is clear, except for one German soldier walking slowly toward him. n”Bangety Bang Bang! shouts the recruit. The German keeps coming. “Bangety Bang Bang!” repeats the recruit, to no avail. He gets desperate. “Bangety Bang Bang! Stabity Stab Stab!” It’s no use.The German keeps coming. He stomps the recruit into the ground, and says, “Tankety Tank Tank.”
Seems the Shah of Iran was visiting Disneyland with his young son. The son seemed to be having a good timebut had that look that something else was on his mind. The Shah asked, “What do you really want, Son?
” TheSon said, “A Mickey Mouse Outfit.” With that, the Shaw went out and bought him a uniform from theneighboring Fire Department.
Seems an elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years.He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%. The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, “Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.”To which the gentleman said, “Oh, I haven’t told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I’ve changed my will three times!”
Seems a guy was driving for hours thu desolate country when he passed a farmhouse, and before he could react, a cat ran out in front of him and*splat*… he flattened the cat. Out of kindness and consideration, he stopped, turned around and drove back to the farmhouse to notify the occupants. When the housewife came to the door, said he, “Pardon memadame, but I just ran over a cat in front of your house, and assumed that it must belong to you. I know this might be hard to hear, but Iwanted to let you know instead of just driving off….” “Not so fast”, says she. “How do you know it was our cat?
Could youdescribe him?
What does he look like?
” The man promptly flopped down on the ground, and said “He looks like thts”as he gave his best shot at a dead cat impression. “Oh no, you *horrible* man”, she replied. “I meant, what did he look like*before* you hit him?
” At that, the man got up , covered his eyes with both hands and screamed”Agggghhhhhhhhhh !!!!!!”
Seems a guy was driving for hours thu desolate country when he passed a farmhouse, and before he could react, a cat ran out in front of him and*splat*… he flattened the cat. Out of kindness and consideration, he stopped, turned around and drove back to the farmhouse to notify the occupants. When the housewife came to the door, said he, “Pardon memadame, but I just ran over a cat in front of your house, and assumed that it must belong to you. I know this might be hard to hear, but Iwanted to let you know instead of just driving off….” “Not so fast”, says she. “How do you know it was our cat?
Could youdescribe him?
What does he look like?
” The man promptly flopped down on the ground, and said “He looks like thts”as he gave his best shot at a dead cat impression. “Oh no, you *horrible* man”, she replied. “I meant, what did he look like*before* you hit him?
” At that, the man got up, covered his eyes with both hands and screamed”Agggghhhhhhhhhh !!!!!!”
Sharon: I’m so homesick.Sheila: But this is your home!Sharon: I know and I’m sick of it.
Shall I tell you the joke about the bed?
No, because it hasn’t been made up yet.