Soldier Ivanov was ordered to peel a barrel of potatos.- In this day and age, the army should have a machine to peel potatos, complains Ivanov.- Absolutely, answered the sergeant. And you are its latest model.
Son: I can’t go to school today. Father: Why not?
Son: I don’t feel wellTeacher: Where don’t you feel well?
Son: In school!
Son: How much does it cost to get married, Dad?
Father: I don’t know son, I’m still paying for it.
Son to his father as they watch television: “Dad, tell me again how when you were a kid you had to walk all the way across the room to change the channel.”
Sometimes women are overly suspicious of their husbands. When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset. “You’re running around with other women,” she charged.”You’re being unreasonable,” Adam responded. “You’re the only woman on earth.” The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by someone poking him in the chest. It was Eve. “What do you think you’re doing?
” Adam demanded. “Counting your ribs,” said Eve.
Something happened to me yesterday that will never, ever, happen to me again. How can you be so sure?
I was 10 years old yesterday.
Someone bought Scrooge a clock for Christmas. He put it straight in the bank.Why did he do that?
He was trying to save time!
Someone — always a man — always asks, “does theship run on generators?
” The Cruise Director usuallytells them, “No, we just have a very long power linerunning to the mainland.”
Some years ago, Michael J. Flanagan, a successful New York contractor, was standing on the deck of the Staten Island Ferry when a car got loose and sent him into the river where he drowned. The following Sunday his widow, all decked out in deepest black, was standing on the church steps after Mass, receiving condolences and enjoying every minute of it, when an old friend of the contractor came up. “I’m sorry, Mary, for your trouble,” offered the friend. “Did Mike leave you well fixed?
” “Oh, he did!” she said. “He left me almost a half million dollars.” “Well now, that’s not bad for a man who couldn’t read or write.” “Nor swim either,” added the widow.
Some vampires went to see Dracula. They said, “Drac, we want to open a zoo. Have you got any advice?
” “Yes,” replied Dracula, “have lots of giraffes.”