Author Archives: lennart

There once was a German schoolte…

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There once was a German schoolteacher. She went to England to teach. When she arrived at the boardinghouse, she wanted to use the bathroom of the Water Closet. She sent a note with a messenger boy to the host asking where the WC was, thinking that the house knew what WC stood for. When the host recieved the letter, he wrote a response thinking that the WC was the Wayside Chapel. He reponse read:The WC is 3 miles away. My wife has been sick for a while, so she was not able to go for 3 years. The WC can hold up to 300 people at one time. The people complained about the hard wooden seats so instead soft, plush seats were made. I have reserved for you the best seat where EVERYONE can see you!

There once was a blind man who d…

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There once was a blind man who decided to visit Texas. When he arrived on the plane, he felt the seats and said, “Wow, these seats are big!” The person next to him answered, “Everything is big in Texas.” When he finally arrived in Texas, he decided to visit a bar. Upon arriving in the bar, he ordered a beer and got a mug placed between his hands. He exclaimed, “Wow these mugs are big!” The bartender replied, “Everything is big in Texas.” After a couple of beers, the blind man asked the bartender where the bathroom was located. The bartender replied, “Second door to the right.” The blind man headed for the bathroom, but accidentally tripped over and skipped the second door. Instead, he entered the third door, which lead to the swimming pool and fell into the pool by accident. Scared to death, the blind man started shouting, “Don’t flush, don’t flush!”

There once was a baby elephant a…

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There once was a baby elephant and a baby turtle drinking from a river deep in the jungle. For no reason, the turtle reaches over and bites the elephant’s tail, really hard. Years and years later, the same elephant, now grown up, is by the same river, having a drink with his giraffe buddy, when the same turtle that bit him on the tail all those years ago wanders up to the river. The elephant rears back a leg and kicks the turtle as hard as he can, sending him flying way off into the jungle. “Why did you do that?

” the giraffe asks. “When we both were babies, that turtle bit my tail for no reason,” the elephant replied. “Wow! You must have a good memory!” exclaimed the giraffe.”Yep!” said the elephant. “I’ve got Turtle-Recall.”

There was a little old lady from…

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There was a little old lady from a small town in America who had to go to Texas. She was amazed at the size of her hotel and her suite. She went into the huge cafe and said to the waitress, who took her order for a cup of coffee, that she had never before seen anything as big as the hotel or her suite. “Everything’s big in Texas ma’am,” said the waitress. The coffee came in the biggest cup the old lady had ever seen. “I told you, ma’am, that everything is big in Texas,” said the waitress. On her way back to her suite, the old lady got lost in the vast corridors. She opened the door of a darkened room and fell into an enormous swimming pool. “Please!” she screamed. “Don’t flush it!”

There was a Japanese man who wen…

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There was a Japanese man who went to America for sightseeing. On the last day, he hailed a cab and told the driver to drive to the airport. During the journey, a Honda drove past the taxi. Thereupon, the man leaned out of the window excitedly and yelled, “Honda, very fast! Made in Japan!”After a while, a Toyota sped past the taxi. Again, the Japanese man leaned out of the window and yelled, “Toyota, very fast! Made in Japan!”And then a Mitsubishi sped past the taxi. For the third time, the Japanese leaned out of the window and yelled, “Mitsubishi, very fast! Made in Japan!”The driver was a little angry, but he kept quiet. And this went on for quite a number of cars. Finally, the taxi came to the airport. The fare was US$300.The Japanese exclaimed, “Wah… so expensive!”There upon, the driver yelled back, “Meter, very fas t! Made in Japan!”

There was a huge fire at a big c…

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There was a huge fire at a big city soda factory. The city company was losing ground and the owner wasfrantic. He told the fire department that he needed a secret formula in the safe that was in the center of theblaze, and he would give 10,000 dollars to the department that got the formula. An hour later no ground wasgained and a mutual aid call was put out. When 12 departments couldn’t subdue the blaze the owner saw thishe raised the reward to 100,000 dollars. Suddenly a small town department drove their truck right into the fireand emerged 10 minutes later with the formula. When asked what they would do with the money one said,”Get them damn brakes fixed we figure.”

There was a guy walking down the…

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There was a guy walking down the street in San Francisco, and he tripped over an old looking oil lamp. He picked it up and hid it under his jacket, because he thought it was priceless. While he was running to the antique shop to cash this puppy in, it rubbed against his shirt. POOF! A genie popped out of his pocket!The very angry looking Genie said, “All right, I have had enough with this three wish stuff, and ‘cuz you stole me away from my HBO Special, I will only give you one wish!” The surprised man said, “OK, I want to live in Hawaii in a huge condo on the beach with three million dollars in the master bedroom, but I am afraid of boats and planes so I want you to build a bridge from here to Hawaii.” The genie replied with a smirk, “Are you crazy?

Do you know how long that will take, with the pillars going down to the bottom of the ocean, all the cement it wou ld take for the highway?

No I’m sorry, it just can’t happen.” The man said, “Fine then, I want to understand women.” The genie said, ” Would you like two lanes or four?

There was a farmer who raised wa…

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There was a farmer who raised watermelons. He was disturbed by some local kids who would sneak into his watermelon patch at night and eat watermelons. After some careful thought he came up with a clever idea that he thought would scare the kids away for sure. So he made up the sign and posted it in the field. The next day the kids show up and they see this sign, it says “Warning!! One of the watermelons in this field has been injected with cyanide.”So the kids run off, make up their own sign and post it next to the sign that the farmer made. The farmer shows up the next week and when he looks over the field he notices that no watermelons are missing but he notices a new sign next to his. He drives up to the sign which read: “Now there are two”.

There was a farmer who had a lot…

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There was a farmer who had a lot of live stock. He had cows, horses, chickens, pigs, and bulls. One day a terrible twister came and the man and his family were only saved by throwing themselves in the nearest ditch. After it was all over, he looked up to see that the house was gone. Saddened by the loss, he went out to see if any of the animals had survived. The horses, chickens, pigs, and cows were laid out flat but the bulls were standing! The farmer was amazed and asked them, “How is it that all the other animals are down and you are still standing?

” The bulls replied, “We bulls wobble but we don’t fall down!”