Three men were discussing at a bar about coincidences. The first man said, ” my wife was reading a “tale of two cities” and she gave birth to twins””That’s funny”, the second man remarked, “my wife was reading ‘the three musketeers’ and she gave birth to triplets”The third man shouted, “Good God, I have to rush home!”When asked what the problem was, he exclaimed, ” When I left the house, my wife was reading Ali baba and the forty Thieves”!!!
Three men stood before a judge on a charge of drunk and disorderly conduct in a public park.Judge: What were you doing?
1st man: Oh, just throwing peanuts in the pond.Judge: And what were you doing?
2nd man: I was throwing peanuts in the pond, too.”Judge: Sounds harmless. And you, were you throwing peanuts in the pond as well?
3rd man: No, sir. I AM Peanuts!
Three men died in a car accident and met Jesus himself at the Pearly Gates. The Lord spoke unto them saying, “I will ask you each a simple question. If you tell the truth I will allow you into heaven, but if you lie….Hell is waiting for you. To the first man the Lord asked, “How many times did you cheat on your wife?
” The first man replied, “Lord, I was a good husband. I never cheated on my wife.” The Lord replied, “Very good! Not only will I allow you in, but for being faithful to your wife I will give you a huge mansion and a limo for your transportation. To the second man the Lord asked, “How many times did you cheat on your wife?
” The second man replied, “Lord, I cheated on my wife twice.” The Lord replied, “I will allow you to come in, but for your unfaithfulness, you will get a four- bedroom house and a BMW. To the third man the Lord asked, “So, how many times did y ou cheat on your wife?
” The third man replied, “Lord, I cheated on my wife about 8 times.” The Lord replied, “I will allow you to come in, but for your unfaithfulness, you will get a one-room apartment, and a Yugo for your transportation. A couple hours later the second and third men saw the first man crying his eyes out. “Why are you crying?
” the two men asked. “You got the mansion and limo!” The first man replied, “I’m crying because I saw my wife a little while ago, and she was riding a skateboard!”
Three men die in a car accident Christmas Eve. They all find themselves at the pearly gates waiting to enter Heaven. On entering they must present something relating or associated with Christmas.The first man searches his pocket, and finds some Mistletoe, so he is allowed in. The second man presents a cracker, so he is also allowed in.The third man pulls out a pair of stockings. Confused at this last gesture, St. Peter asks, “How do these represent Christmas?
” “They’re Carol’s.”
Three men die and go to heaven and queue to meet St. Peter.St. Peter: Hi, what’s your name?
Paul: My name is Paul.St. Peter: Hi, Paul. Tell me, when you died, how much were you earning?
Paul: 120K.St. Peter: Wow! Tell me, Paul, what were you doing to earn that kind of money?
Paul: I was a lawyer.St. Peter: That’s great. Come on in. St. Peter then turned to the second man. Hi, what’s your name?
Roger: My name is Roger.St. Peter: Hi, Roger. Tell me, when you died, how much were you earning?
Roger: 60K.St. Peter: Hey, that’s great! Tell me, Roger:, what did you do for a living?
Roger: I was an accountant.St. Peter: That’s very good. Come on in. St. Peter then turned to the second man. Hi, what’s your name?
John: My name is John.St. Peter: Hi, John. Tell me, John, how much were you earning when you died ?
John: About $23,000.St. Peter: Hey, that’s fantastic, John! Tell me, what instrument did you play?
Three men are traveling in the Amazon, a German, an American, and a Mexican, and they get captured by some Amazons. The head of the tribe says to the German, “What do you want on your back for your whipping?
“The German responds, “I will take oil!” So they put oil on his back, and a large Amazon whips him ten times. When he is finished the German has these huge welts on his back, and he can hardly move.The Amazons haul the German away, and say to the Mexican, “What do you want on your back?
” “I will take nothing!” says the Mexican, and he stands there straight and takes his ten lashings without a single flinch.”What will you take on your back?
” the Amazons ask the American. He responds, “I’ll take the Mexican.”
Three ladies were discussing the travails of getting older. One said, “Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand, while standing in front of the refrigerator, and I can’t remember whether I need to put it away, or start making a sandwich.” The second lady chimed in with, “Yes, sometimes I find myself on the landing of the stairs and can’t remember whether I was on my way up or on my way down.” The third one responded, ” Well, ladies, I’m glad I don’t have that problem. Knock on wood,” as she rapped her knuckles on the table, and then said, “That must be the door, I’ll get it!”
Three Irishmen, Paddy, Sean and Shamus, were stumbling home late one night and found themselves on the road which led past the old graveyard.”Come have a look over here,” says Paddy, “It’s Michael O’Grady’s grave, God bless his soul. He lived to the ripe old age of 87.” “That’s nothing,” says Sean, “here’s one named Patrick O’Toole. It says here that he was 95 when he died.” Just then, Shamus yells out, “But here’s a fella that died when he was 145 years old!””What was his name?
” asks Paddy. Shamus lights a match to see what else is written on the stone marker, and exclaims, “Miles, from Dublin.”
Three Pastors from the south were having lunch in a diner. One said, “Ya know, since summer started I’ve been having trouble with bats in my loft and attic at church. I’ve tried everything-noise, spray, cats-nothingseems to scare them away. Another said, “Yea, me too. I’ve got hundreds living in my belfry and in the attic. I’ve even had the place fumigated, and they won’t go away.” The third said, “I baptized all mine, and made them members of the church… Haven’t seen one back since!”
Three Pastors from the south were having lunch in a diner. One said, “Ya know, since summer started I’ve been having trouble with bats in my loft and attic at church. I’ve tried everything-noise, spray, cats-nothing seems to scare them away. Another said, “Yea, me too. I’ve got hundreds living in my belfry and in the attic. I’ve even had the place fumigated, and they won’t go away.” The third said, “I baptized all mine, and made them members of the church… Haven’t seen one back since!”