This woman is visiting in Israel and notices that her little travel alarm needs a battery. She looks for a watch repair shop and while she doesn’t read Hebrew she finally sees a shop with clocks and watches in the window. She goes in and hands the man her clock. The man says, “Madam, I don’t repair clocks. I am a Mohel. I do circumcisions.” She says, “Why all the clocks in the window?
“And he says, “And what should I have in my window?
“
This woman goes into a dentist’s office, after he is through examining her he says: “I am sorry to tell you this, but I am going to have to drill a tooth.” The woman then says: “Ooooohhhh, I’d rather have a baby!” To which the dentist replies: “Make up your mind, I have to adjust the chair.”
This truck driver hauling a tractor-trailer load of computers stops for a beer. As he approaches the bar, he sees a big sign on the door saying:”Nerds Not Allowed — Enter At Your Own Risk!”He goes in and sits down. The bartender comes over to him.”You smell kind of nerdy. What do you do for a living?
“”I drive a truck, and the smell is just from the computers I’m hauling.””Okay, truck drivers are not nerds,” he says and serves him a beer. As he is sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks in with tape around his glasses, a pocket protector with twelve kinds of pens and pencils, and a belt at least a foot too long. The bartender, without saying a word, pulls out a shotgun and blows the guy away. The truck driver is totally shocked.”Why did you do that?
“”Not to worry, the nerds are overpopulating Silicon Valley and are in season now. You don’t even need a license.” rThe truck driver finishes his beer, gets back in his truck, and heads back onto the freeway. Suddenly, he veers to avoid an accident, and the load shifts. The back door breaks open and computers spill out all over the freeway. He jumps out and sees a crowd already forming, grabbing up the computers.They are all engineers, accountants, and programmers wearing the nerdiest clothes he has ever seen!He can’t let them steal his whole load. So, remembering what happened in the bar, he pulls out his gun and starts blasting away, felling several of them instantly. A highway patrol officer comes zooming up and jumps out of the car screaming at him to stop.”What’s wrong?
I thought nerds were in season,” says the truck driver.”Well, sure,” says the patrolman. “But you can’t bait ’em!”
This small Latino man walks into a bar, sits, and orders a beer. A big man comes in, taps him on his shoulder, and says, “You’re sitting in my seat!” The same Spanish man ignores him and orders another beer. The man again taps him on his shoulder, and tells him he’s sitting in his seat. The same Spanish man gets up, leans over the seat, and says. “I don’t see your name on it.” He sits down again and orders still another beer. “The man says…I know Karate!” The small Latino man says, “I know JUDO! JU DON’T KNOW IF I HAVE A GUN! JU DON’T KNOW IF I HAVE A KNIFE!”
This old lady was complaining to her friend about a little problem she had with vaginal itch. Her friend suggested that maybe she had an STD. The old lady replied “that’s impossible because I am a virgin”. To solve the problem the old lady went to the doctor for check up. After the exam the doctor said: ” I have good news and bad news, thegood news is that you are clean of all STD’S. The bad news is that you have fruit flies because your cherry is rotten”
This morning I felt that today was going to be my lucky day. I got up at seven, had seven dollars in my pocket, there were seven of us at lunch and there were seven horses in the seven o’clock race – so I backed the seventh. Did it win?
No, it came seventh. […]
This minister just had all of his remaining teeth pulled and new dentures were being made.The first Sunday, he only preached 10 minutes.The second Sunday, he preached only 20 minutes.But, on the third Sunday, he preached 1 hour 25 minutes.When asked about this by some of the congregation, he responded this way.The first Sunday, my gums were so sore it hurt to talk.The second Sunday, my dentures were hurting a lot.The third Sunday, I accidentally grabbed my wife’s dentures… and I couldn’t stop talking!
Three blondes were walking through a field when they came across a set of tracks.The first blonde looked down at the tracks and said, “I think they could be bird tracks.”The second blonde went to look and said, “No, I think these are deer tracks.”They stepped aside and the third blonde went over to the tracks. She looked down, then got run over by the train!
Three blondes are stranded on an island. A fairy comes along and says that she will grant each person a wish.So the first blonde says she wants to be really smart so she digs and finds a cell phone and calls the Army.The second blonde says that she wants to be even smarter so she finds a flair and sets it off.The third blonde says that she wants to be even smarter than both of them, so the fairy changes herhair color to black and she says,” Let’s go over the bridge.”
Three blondes are sitting on a park bench eating ice cream cones. One is sucking hers, one is biting hers, one is licking hers. Which one is married?
The one with the wedding ring, YOU SICK-O!