Author Archives: lennart

Two guys were in a bar, and they…

Two guys were in a bar, and they were both watching the television when the news came on. It showed a guy on a bridge who was about to jump, obviously suicidal. “I’ll bet you $10 he’ll jump,” said the first guy. “Bet you $10 he won’t,” said the second guy.Then, the guy on the television closed his eyes and threw himself off the bridge. The second guy hands the first guy the money.”I can’t take your money,” said the first guy. “I cheated you. The same story was on the five o’clock news.” “No, no. Take it,” said the second guy. “I saw the five o’clock news too. I just didn’t think the guy was dumb enough to jump again!”

Two guys were walking along a ro…

Two guys were walking along a road in Georgia when they were struck by a police car driven by a drunken cop.One guy was thrown through the windshield and his buddy was knocked down an embankment.The first guy was charged with breaking and entering and the second with leaving the scene of an accident.

Two hikers are out hiking. All o…

Two hikers are out hiking. All of a sudden, a bear starts chasing them.They climb a tree, but the bear starts climbing up the tree after them. The first hiker gets his sneakers out of his knapsack and starts putting them on.The second hiker says, “What are you doing?

“The first responds, “I figure when the bear gets close to us, we’ll have to jump down and make a run for it.”The second says, “Are you crazy?

Don’t you know you can’t outrun a bear?

The first guy says, “I don’t have to outrun the bear… I only have to outrun you!”

Two hunters got a pilot to fly t…

Two hunters got a pilot to fly them into the far north for elk hunting. They were quite successful in their venture and bagged six big bucks. The pilot came back, as arranged, to pick them up. They started loading their gear into the plane, including the six elk. But the pilot objected and he said, “The plane can only take four of your elk; you will have to leave two behind.” They argued with him; the year before they had shot six and the pilot had allowed them to put all aboard. The plane was the same model and capacity. Reluctantly, the pilot finally permitted them to put all six aboard. But when the attempted to take off and leave the valley, the little plane could not make it and they crashed into the wilderness. Climbing out of the wreckage, one hunter said to the other, “Do you know where we are?

” “I think so,” replied the other hunter. I think this is about the same place where we landed last year!”

Two hunters went moose hunting e…

Two hunters went moose hunting every winter without success. Finally, they came up with a fool-proof plan. They got a very authentic cow moose costume and learned the mating call of a cow moose. The plan was to hide in the costume, lure the bull, then come out of the costume and shoot the bull. They set themselves up on the edge of a clearing, donned their costume, and began to give the moose love call. Before long, their call was answered as a bull came crashing out of the forest and into the clearing. When the bull was close enough, the guy in front said, “Okay, lets get out and get him.” After a moment that seemed like an eternity, the guy in the back shouted, “The zipper is stuck! What are we going to do!?

” The guy in the front says, “Well, I don’t know how about you but I’m going to start nibbling grass.”

Two Irishmen are sitting in a ba…

Two Irishmen are sitting in a bar. Mick’s looking particularly sad and Patrick asks him what the matter is. mick says, “well, I knew that my grandfather had died in the war, but I’ve just found out that he actually died in the auschwitz concentration camp.”Patrick says, “that’s terrible, did he go to the gas chamber?

” and Mickreplies, “no, he fell out of the machine gun tower.”

Two Irish friends greeted each o…

Two Irish friends greeted each other while waiting their turn at the bank window. “This reminds me of Finnegan,” remarked one. “What about Finnegan?

” inquired the other. “‘Tis a story that Finnegan died, and when he greeted St. Peter, he said: ‘It’s a fine job you’ve had here for a long time.’ ‘Well, Finnegan,’ said St. Peter, ‘here we count a million years as a minute and a million dollars as a cent.’ ‘Ah!’ said Finnegan, ‘I’m needing cash. Lend me a cent.’ ‘Sure,’ said St. Peter, ‘just wait a minute.'”

Two Irishmen were walking down t…

Two Irishmen were walking down the street with two salmon each under their arms. Two other Irishmen walking in the opposite direction see the two lucky fishermen and ask ” how did you catch those ?

” Well its like this! Michael here holds my legs over the bridge, and I grab the salmon as they swim up the river. We got four salmon A great days fishing! So the fishless pair look at each other and agree to give it a try. They get to the bridge and Sean calls to his friend “hold my legs now Paddy”. Well he is hanging there upside down for thirty minutes when he suddenly cries.. “pull me up, pull me up!!” Paddy asks ” do you have a fish Sean?

“………… No replies Sean, “there’s a bloody train coming!!!!!!!!”

Two Italian construction workers…

Two Italian construction workers were in the field on an extremely hot day working.. the one says to the other ” hey how come we do all a da work and he gets all a da money?

” pointing to the supervisor. The other says, “I don’t know, go ask him.” So Guido goes up to the supervisor and says “Hey, how come we do all a da work and you get all a da money?

” The supervisor says “Intelligence”.Guido says “what is this intelligence?

“The supervisor puts his hand on a tree and says “Hita myhand as hard as you can!”Guido winds up and with all his might tries to hit thesupervisors hand. Just as he almost does the supervisorpulls his hand away and Guido hits the tree! The supervisorsays “That’s intelligence”.Still smarting Guido goes back to his co-worker and hisco-worker says “Hey what did he say?

“With a sheepish look on his face Guido puts his hand on hisface and says “hita my hand as hard as you can. . .”