Mother-in-law: I baked two kinds of cookies today. Would you like to takeyour pick?
Son-in-law: No thanks. I’ll just use the hammer.
Mother-in-law: I baked two kinds of cookies today. Would you like to takeyour pick?
Son-in-law: No thanks. I’ll just use the hammer.
Mother: “Why are you home from school so early?
” Son: “I was the only one who could answer a question.” Mother: “Oh, really?
What was the question?
Son: “Who threw the eraser at the principal?
“
MOTHER PIG: What did you learn in school today?
FIRST PIGLET: Oink! Oink! SECOND PIGLET: Oink! Oink! THIRD PIGLET: Woof! Woof!MOTHER PIG: What?
THIRD PIGLET: I’m taking a foreign language.
Most Republicans try, at least once, enclosing indulgent, wretchedly maudlin form letters about their families in their Christmas cards. Public ridicule from Democrats usually discourages them from doing it again.
Mother Banana: Why didn’t you go to school today?
Little Banana: Because I didn’t peel well.
Mother to daughter advice: Cook a man a fish and you feed him for a day. But teach a man to fish and you get rid of him for the whole weekend.
Morris was passing a small courtyard and heard voices murmuring.He went in and saw an altar with a large zero in the middle anda banner that said ‘N I L’. White-robed people were kneeling before the altar chanting hymnsto The Great Nullity ,The Blessed Emptiness, and The Big Zero inthe Sky. Morris turned to a white-robed observer beside him and wispered,…. …… “Is Nothing Sacred?
“
Mortal: What is a million years like to you?
God: Like one second. Mortal: What is a million dollars like to you?
God: Like one penny. Mortal: Can I have a penny?
God: Just a second.
Morty the producer dies and goes to purgatory. The agent behind the counter says “So Morty, what’s it gonna be Heaven or Hell?
” Morty asks, “What’s the difference?
” Sid says “Take a look at the monitor over here.” Morty goes to the monitor and sees scenes of heaven where people are quietly floating on clouds and playing harps in serene bliss. Morty turns to Sid and says “Well that’s nice. Pretty boring but nice. What’s Hell like?
” Sid tells him to look at the other monitor. Morty does and sees scenes of young people having sex and dancing and smoking and drinking and laughing and singing and generally having a great time. “This is great!” says Morty. “I think I’ll try Hell.” Sid directs him to the elevator and instructs him to push the down arrow. Morty does so and waits for the elevator to take him to hell. When the car stops at hell the doors spring open. Morty look s around from the elevator doorway and is shocked at what he sees. Everywhere are people burning in agony, screaming in pain, drowning and suffering. There are laughing demons with pitchforks piercing their skin. Its horrible, disgusting. Morty presses the up button and goes right back to Sid.” “What is this!?
Hell is nothing like you showed me on the monitor! It was awful down there!” Sid says, “You mean that monitor?
” “Yes,” says Morty. “Oh, well, that was just the pilot.”
Moody was awakened by the telephone at four A.M. It was his Ku Klux Klan buddy, Crumm, calling long distance from Montgomery. “What’s the matter?
” asked Moody. “Are you in trouble?
” “No!” said Crumm. “What do you want, then?
” “Nothing!” “Then how come you are calling me in the middle of the night?
” asked Moody. “Cause!” said the other redneck, “the rates is cheaper!”