Old witch: Now I know you want a job with me. Do you tell lies?
Young witch: No, but I can pick it up.
Old witch: Now I know you want a…
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Author Archives: lennart
Old Mrs. Watkins awoke one sprin…
Old Mrs. Watkins awoke one spring morning to find that the river had flooded the entire first floor of her house. Looking out of her window, she saw that the water was still rising.Two men passing by on a rowboat shouted up an invitation to row to safety with them. “No, thank you,” Mrs. Watkins replied. “The Lord will provide.” The men shrugged and rowed on.By evening, the water level forced Mrs. Watkins to climb on top of the roof for safety. She was spotted by a man in a motorboat, who offered to pick her up. “Don’t trouble yourself,” she told him. “The Lord will provide.”Pretty soon, Mrs. Watkins had to seek refuge atop the chimney. When a Red Cross cutter came by on patrol, she waved it on, shouting, “The Lord will provide.”So the boat left, the water rose and the old woman drowned.Dripping wet and thoroughly annoyed, she came through the pearly gates and demande d to speak to God. “What happened?
” she cried.”For cryin’ out loud, lady,” God said, “I sent three boats!”
Old Man On A Bench An old man of…
Old Man On A Bench An old man of ninety was sitting on a park bench crying. A policeman noticed this and asked him why he was crying.”Well,” says the old fellow, “I just got married to a twenty-five year old woman. Every morning she makes me a wonderful breakfast, and we have then have fun together laughing and relaxing. In the afternoon she makes me a wonderful lunch and then we make fun together laughing and relaxing again. At dinner time she makes me a wonderful supper and then we relax more and enjoy ourselves.”The policeman looks at the old man and says, “You shouldn’t be crying! You should be the happiest man in the world!”So the old man says, “I know! I’m crying because I don’t remember where I live!”
Old man O’Malley had worked down…
Old man O’Malley had worked down at the brewery for years, but one day he just wasn’t paying attention and he tripped on the walkway and fell over into the beer vat and drowned.The foreman thought it should be his job to inform the Widow O’Malley of her old man’s death. He showed up at the front door and rang the bell. When she came to the door, he said, “I’m sorry to tell you, but your poor husband passed away at work today when he fell into the vat and drowned.”She wept and covered her face with her apron and after a time, between sobs, she asked, “Tell me, did he suffer?
“”Knowing Brian O’Malley as well as I did, I don’t think so,” said the foreman, “He got out three times to go to the men’s room.”
Old Farmer Johnson was dying. Th…
Old Farmer Johnson was dying. The family was standing around his bed. With a low voice he sad to his wife: “When I’m dead I want you to marry farmer Jones.”Wife: “No, I can’t marry anyone after you.”Johnson: “But I want you to.”Wife: “But why?
“Johnson: “Jones once cheated me in a horse deal!”
On some air bases the Air Force …
On some air bases the Air Force is on one side of the field and civilian aircraft use the other side of the field, with the control tower in the middle.One day the tower received a call from an aircraft asking, “What time is it?
“The tower responded, “Who is calling?
“The aircraft replied, “What difference does it make?
“The tower replied, “It makes a lot of difference. If it is an American Airlines flight, it is 3 o’clock. If it is an Air Force plane, it is 1500 hours. If it is a Navy aircraft, it is 6 bells. If it is an Army aircraft, the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 3. If it is a Marine Corps aircraft, it’s Thursday afternoon.”
On reaching his plane seat a man…
On reaching his plane seat a man is surprised to see a parrot strapped in next to him. He asks the stewardess for a coffee where upon the parrot squawks “And get me a whisky you cow!” The stewardess, flustered, brings back a whisky for the parrot and forgets the coffee. When this omission is pointed out to her the parrot drains its glass and bawls “And get me another whisky you idiot”. Quite upset, the girl comes back shaking with another whisky but still no coffee. Unaccustomed to such slackness the man tries the parrot’s approach “I’ve asked you twice for a coffee, go and get it now or I’ll kick you”. The next moment, both he and the parrot have been wrenched up and thrown out of the emergency exit by two burly stewards. Plunging downwards the parrot turns to him and says “For someone who can’t fly, you complain too much!”
On his way out of church, Frank …
On his way out of church, Frank stopped at the door to speak to the minister. “Would it be right,” he asked, “for a person to profitfrom the mistakes of another?
” “Absolutely not!” replied the pastor. “In that case,” said the young man, “I wonder if you’d considerreturning the hundred dollars I paid you to marry my wife and melast July.”
On her annual visit to another p…
On her annual visit to another planet, an old lady turns to the cabin steward and says. “I hope this spaceship doesn’t travel faster than sound. “Why?
” replies the cabin steward. “Because my friend and I want to talk, that’s why.”
On her annual visit to another p…
On her annual visit to another planet, an old lady turns to the cabin steward and says. “I hope this spaceship doesn’t travel faster than sound. “Why?
” replies the cabin steward. “Because my friend and I want to talk, that’s why.”