On Fred’s 17th birthday, his Dad said he’d take him out for his first driving lesson. As they got in the car, the father said, “Just one thing, Fred. If you’re going to hit anything, make sure it’s cheap.”
On April Fools Day, a mother put a fire cracker under the pancakes. She blew her stack.
On a Trans-Atlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning. One woman in particular loses it. Screaming,she stands up in the front of the plane. “I’m too young to die!” she wails. Then she yells, “Well, if I’m going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable! No one has ever made me really feel like a woman! Well I’ve had it! Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?
?
” For a moment there is silence. everyone has forgotten their own peril, and they all stare, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane. Then, a man stands up in the rear of the plane. “I can make you feel like a woman,” he says. This tall, tanned and built guy with jet black eyes starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt one button at a time. No one move s. As this man approaches, the woman begins to get excited. He removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across his chest as he reaches her, and extends the arm holding his shirt to the trembling woman, and whispers: “Iron this.”
On a special teacher’s day, a kindergarten teacher was receiving gifts from her pupils. The florist’s son handed her a gift. She shooked it, held it over her head, and said, “I bet I know what it is – flowers!””That’s right!” said the boy, “but how did you know?
“”Just a wild guess,” she said.The next pupil was the candy store owner’s daughter. The teacher held her gift overhead, shooked it, and said, “I bet I can guess what it is – a box of candy!””That’s right! But how did you know?
” asked the girl.”Just a lucky guess,” said the teacher.The next gift was from the liquor store owner’s son. The teacher held the bag over her head and noticed that it was leaking. She touched a drop of the leakage with her finger and tasted it. “Is it wine?
” she asked.”No,” the boy replied.The teacher repeated the process, touching another drop of the leakage to her tongue. “Is it champagne?
” she asked.”No,” the boy replied.The teacher then said, “I give up, what is it?
” The boy replied, “A puppy!”
On a rural road a state trooper pulled this farmer over and said: “Sir, do you realize your wife fell out of the car several miles back?
“To which the farmer replied: “Thank God, I thought I had gone deaf!”
On a narrow mountain’s road a man saw a police car driving uphill backwards.- Hi guys. Why are you driving backwards?
– Because we are not sure that we will find the place to make u-turn on the top of the mountain.After one hour the same man saw the same police car driving downhill backwards again.- But guys, why are you driving backwards again?
– We have found the place to make u-turn up there.
On a flight with EasyJet back in 1997 the pilot made what can only be describes as an extremely heavy landing at Luton. It was very early in the morning and a number of passenger around me looked quite alarmed as, apartfrom the noise, a number of overhead lockers dropped open and several items of carry-on luggage were launched down the aisle.After slowing up, the aircraft turned off the runway and turned towards the stand and over the PA came “Good morning ladies gentlemen, this is Captain Smith, welcome to Luton…and if any of you were asleep…I bet you’re not now!”
Once a man went to a resturant and ordered an egg. When it was brought he didn’t liked it so he informed the waiter that the egg was bad. Came the reply: “I don’t lay egg sir I just lay table !”
Once a madman said, “Do you know there is a war going on between India and Bharat?
Another madman said, “Why should we worry, we live in Hindustan.”
On which day do monsters eat people?
Chewsday.