Doctor Sawbones speaking. Oh, doctor, my girlfriend’s just dislocated her jaw. Can you come over in, say, three or four weeks’ time?

How do you fix a woman’s watch?

– It doesn’t matter. There is a clock on the oven.

How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?

– She starts her sentence with “A man once told me…”

I haven’t spoken to my wife for 18 months! – I don’t like to interrupt her.

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?

– The dog. He’ll shut up once you let him in.

In the beginning, God created the earth and rested. Then God created Man and rested. Then God created Woman. – Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.

My wife asked me “What’s on the TV?

” – I said, “Dust!”

On a Trans-Atlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning. One woman in particular loses it. Screaming,she stands up in the front of the plane. “I’m too young to die!” she wails. Then she yells, “Well, if I’m going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable! No one has ever made me really feel like a woman! Well I’ve had it! Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?

?

” For a moment there is silence. everyone has forgotten their own peril, and they all stare, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane. Then, a man stands up in the rear of the plane. “I can make you feel like a woman,” he says. This tall, tanned and built guy with jet black eyes starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt one button at a time. No one move s. As this man approaches, the woman begins to get excited. He removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across his chest as he reaches her, and extends the arm holding his shirt to the trembling woman, and whispers: “Iron this.”

One woman to another at a singles bar: “I’m not as optimistic about relationships as I used to be. These days, when I meet a man, I ask myself, Is this the guy I want my children to spend every other weekend with?

“

OUESTION: What is cosmetics?

ANSWER: Cosmetics is a woman’s means for keeping a man from reading between the lines.