Nothing’s Ever Right by Mona Lott
Nothing’s Ever Right by Mona Lot…
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Author Archives: lennart
Not that my wife’s the jealous t…
Not that my wife’s the jealous type or anything, but one day at work, I had taken this temp who was filling in for my secretary to lunch in gratitude for an outstanding job on a very difficult project. As luck would have it, there was my wife waiting in the office for my return. The temp, who was truly a ravishing beauty said, “Oh, Mrs. Moore, I’m so happy to meet you. I’m your husband’s new secretary.”Within a single heart beat my wife quietly intoned, “OH ?
Really ?
Were you ?
?
?
“
Noisy Nights by Constance Norah…
Noisy Nights by Constance Norah
No flight ever leaves on time un…
No flight ever leaves on time unless you are running late and need thedelay to make the flight.If you are running late for a flight, it will depart from the farthestgate within the terminal.If you arrive very early for a flight, it inevitably will be delayed.Flights never leave from Gate #1 at any terminal in the world.If you must work on your flight, you will experience turbulence as soon asyou touch pen to paper. Or start to drink your coffee.If you are assigned a middle seat, you can determine who has the seats onthe aisle and the window while you are still in the boarding area. Justlook for the two largest passengers.Only passengers seated in window seats ever have to get up to go to thelavatory.The crying baby on board is always seated next to you.The best-looking woman/man on your flight is never seated next to you.The less carry-on luggag e space available on an aircraft, the morecarry-on luggage passengers will bring aboard.
Night. A sleeping couple is lyin…
Night. A sleeping couple is lying in a bed. Door bell rings. A couple wakes up.Woman: “Quick! My husband is back!”Man jumps out from a window. Flying down he starts to think: “Shit! But I am the husband!”
On a flight to Florida, I was pr…
On a flight to Florida, I was preparing my notes for one of the parent-education seminars I conduct as an educational psychologist.The elderly woman sitting next to me explained that she was returning to Miami after having spent two weeks visiting her six children, 18 grandchildren and ten great-grandchildren in Boston.Then she inquired what I did for a living.I told her, fully expecting her to question me for free professional advice. Instead she sat back, picked up a magazine and said, “If there’s anything you want to know, just ask me.”
On a drive in the country, a cit…
On a drive in the country, a city slicker noticed a farmer lifting a pig up to an apple tree and holding the pig there as it ate one apple after another.”Maybe I don’t know what I’m talking about,” said the city slicker, “but if you just shook the tree so the apples fell to the ground, wouldn’t it save a lot of time?
“”Time?
” said the farmer. “What does time matter to a pig?
“
Ole and Lena were sitting down t…
Ole and Lena were sitting down to their usual morning cup of coffee, listening to the weather report coming over the radio.”There will be 3 to 5 inches of snow today, and a snow emergency has been declared,” the weather report said. “You must park your cars on the odd numbered side of the streets.”Ole says “Jeez, okay,” and gets up from his coffee.The next day they’re sitting down with their morning cups of coffee and the weather forecast declares “There will be 2 to 4 inches of snow today, and a snow emergency has been declared. You must park your cars on the even numbered side of the streets.”Again, Ole says “Jeez, okay,” and gets up from his coffee.Two days later, again they’re sitting down with their cups of coffee and the weather forecast says, “There will be 6 to 9 inches of snow today, and a snow emergency has been declared. You must park your cars on the – “Just then the power goes out and Ole doesn’t get the rest of the instructions.He turns to Lena and says “Jeez, what am I going to do now, Lena?
“Lena replies “Aw, Ole, why don’t you just leave the car in the garage today?
“
Ole and Lena were sitting down t…
Ole and Lena were sitting down to their usual morning cup of coffee listening to the weather report on the radio. “There will be 3 to 5 inches of snow today, and a snow emergency has been declared,” the weather report said.”You must park your cars on the odd numbered side of the streets.” Ole said, “Jeez, okay,” and got up from his coffee. The next day they were sitting down with their morning cups of coffee. The weather forecast was, “There will be 2 to 4 inches of snow today, and a snow emergency has been declared. You must park your cars on the even numbered side of the streets.” Again Ole replied, “Jeez, okay,” and got up from his coffee. Two days later, again they’re sitting down with their cups of coffee and the weather forecast said, “There will be 6 to 8 inches of snow today, and a snow emergency has been declared. You must park your cars on the…” and the power went out and Ole didn’t get the rest of the instructions. He turned to Lena, “Jeez, what am I going to do now, Lena?
” Lena replied, “Aw, Ole, just leave the car in the damned garage today.”
Old-fashioned Zachary approached…
Old-fashioned Zachary approached Lureen’s father, intent upon asking him for her hand in marriage. “Sir,” he blurted out, “I have an attachment for your daughter, and ” “See here, young man,” interrupted the parent, “when my daughter needs accessories, I’ll buy them myself.”