Author Archives: lennart

Once upon a time in the kingdom …

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Once upon a time in the kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for seven days. Eventually, Michael the archangel found him. He inquired of God, “Where were you?

“. God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds; look my child, look what I’ve just finished making. Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said what is it?

God replied, “its another planet, but this time, I’ ve decided to put LIFE on it. I’ve named it earth and there’s going to be a balance between evertyhing on it. For example, there’s North America and South America. North America is going to be rich and South America is going to be poor, and the narrow bit joining them – that’s going to be a hot spot. Now look over here. I’ve put a continent of white people in the North and another one of black people in the South”.And then the archangel said, “and what’s that long white line there?

” And God said “ahhh that’s the land of the long white cloud – Aotearoa – (New Zealand) that’s a very special place. That’s going to be the most glorious spot on earth; Beautiful mountains, lakes, rivers, streams and an exquisite coastline. These people here are going to be modest, intelligent and humorous and they’re going to be fond of travelling the world. They’ll be extremely sociable, hard working and high achieveing. And I’m going to give them this superhuman, undefeatable rugby team which will be blessed with the most talented, and charasmatic specimens on the planet, and they will be admired and feared by all who come across them”. Michael the archangel gasped in wonder and admiration but then seeming startled proclaimed, “hold on a second, what about the BALANCE, you said ther was going to be a balance…..”God replied wisely, “wait until you see the neighbours I’m going to give them”.

Once there were two chinese gent…

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Once there were two chinese gentlemen named Mr. Ho and Mr. Chen. They were neighbors but happened to be very competitive. One day Mr. Ho decided to start a shoe business, he named his store WE DO SHOE. now Mr. Chen decided he must compete with Mr. Ho, so he started a shoe business right next door to Mr. Ho’s store and he named it SHOE DO WE.

Once there was a millionaire, wh…

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Once there was a millionaire, who collected live alligators. He kept them in the pool in back of his mansion. The millionaire also had a beautiful daughter who was single. One day he decides to throw a huge party, and during the party he announces, “My dear guests . . . I have a proposition to every man here. I will give one million dollars or my daughter to the man who can swim across this pool full of alligators and emerge alive!” As soon as he finished his last word, there was the sound of a large splash!! There was one guy in the pool swimming with all he could and screaming out of fear. The crowd cheered him on as he kept stroking as though he was running for his life. Finally, he made it to the other side with only a torn shirt and some minor injuries. The millionaire was impressed. He said, “My boy that was incredible! Fantastic! I didn’t think it could be done! Well I must keep my end of the bargain. Do you want my daughter or the one million dollars?

” The guy says, “Listen, I don’t want your money, nor do I want your daughter! I want the person who pushed me in that water!”

Once there was a millionaire who…

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Once there was a millionaire who had a collection of live alligators. He kept them in a pool at the back of his mansion. The millionaire also had a beautiful daughter who was single. One day, he decides to throw a huge party. During the party he announces, “My dear guests, I have a proposition to every man here. I will give one million dollars or my daughter to the man who can swim across this pool full of alligators and emerge unharmed!” As soon as he finishes his last word, there is the sound of a large splash. The guests all turn to see a man in the pool swimming as fast as he can. They cheer him on as he keeps stroking. Finally, the swimming man makes it to the other side unharmed. The millionaire is so impressed, e says, “My boy, that was incredible! Fantastic! I didn’t think it could be done! Well, I must keep my end of the bargain. Which do you want, my daughter or the one million dollars?

” The man says, “Listen, I don’t want your money. I don’t want your daughter, either. I want the person who pushed me in that water!”

Once there was a church that had…

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Once there was a church that had a bell that no one could ring. One day, a boy came and asked the priest if he could try. So the boy went up into the tower and ran straight into the bell, face-first. The bell tolled loud and clear. The shocked priest gave him the job. But one Sunday, he ran straight toward the bell with his face and missed and fell off the tower and died. “Congregation,” the priest said before the assembled masses. “Does anybody know this boy’s name?

Because I don’t know him, but his face rings a bell.”

One day a drunk walked into a ba…

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One day a drunk walked into a bar and ordered a gin and tonic. He drank half of it and poured the rest on the bartender. The bartender got angry, grabbed the drunk by the collar, pulled him close to his face, and asked, “Why did you do that?

” The drunk said very apologetically, “I am so very sorry sir. Please forgive me. I can’t help it. It’s an illness I can’t get rid of. I am so ashamed of it. How can I make it up to you?

” The bartender answered, “Haven’t you seen anyone about this problem?

” The drunk replied, “I never thought of that. Maybe I will.” The bartender said, “Don’t come back until you do get help,” and the drunk left. About three months later the drunk came back to the same bar, ordered another gin and tonic, drank half of it, and poured the rest of it on the bartender. The bartender shouted, “I thought I told you not to come back until you got help!” The drunk replied, “I did. Now I don’t feel ashamed.”

One day a boy was drowning in a …

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One day a boy was drowning in a near by lake. A firefighter swam out and pulled the boy up onto the beachand began CPR. A crowed watched as the firefighter frantically pumped on the boys chest. With greatamazement water was pooring from the boys mouth. Each time the firefighter pumped more water came out.A short time later seaweed started coming out, then minnows, then more water started coming out of the boysmouth. The firefighter feared this would never stop. Just then, a paramedic arrived and quickly ran over to thefirefighter and b lurted out. “Hey Chief! You better get that kids ass out of the water before you pump that lakedry”.

One day a blonde, red-head, and …

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One day a blonde, red-head, and a brunette were driving through the desert when all of a sudden their car broke down. They decided they would all walk to civilization. The red-head said, “I’m going to take water so if I get thirsty I can drink it.” Then the brunette said, “I’m going to take some food so if I get hungry I can eat.” And then the blonde said “I’m going to take the car door, so if I get hot, I can roll the window down!”

One day a blonde woman was down …

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One day a blonde woman was down on her luck and she needed a quick way to get money.She saw some kids playing and thought “Hey! Maybe I can kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom!” So she creeps up and snatches one.So she began to write a note: “I have kidnaped your son and I will give him back if you put 10,000$ on the north side of the tree in the park.Signed Blonde.”She sticks the note on the kid and sends himhome. The next day she goes to the north sideof the tree and in a paper bag was 10, 000$.But there was a note inside saying: “How could you do this to a fellow blonde!?

!”