Saint Peter was manning the Pearly Gates when forty people from NewYork City showed up. Never having seen anyone from the Big Apple atheaven’s door, Saint Peter said he would have to check with God.After hearing the news, God instructed him to admit the ten mostvirtuous people from the group. A few minutes later, Saint Peterreturned to God breathless and said, “They’re gone!” “What?
All ofthe New Yorkers are gone?
” asked God. “No!” replied Saint Peter. “The Pearly Gates!”
Saddam Hussein calls President Clinton and tells him, “Bill, I had awonderful dream last night. I could see America, the whole beautifulcountry, and on each house I saw a banner.””What did it say on the banners?
” Clinton asks.Saddam replies, “Allah is god, god is Allah.”Clinton says, “You know, Saddam, I am really happy you called. Last night I had a similar dream. I could see all of Baghdad, and it was more beautiful than ever. It had been rebuilt completely, and on each house flew an enormous banner.””What could you see on the banners?
” Saddam asks.Clinton replies, “I don’t know. I can’t read Hebrew.”
Rush Limbaugh and his chauffeur were out driving in the country and accidentally hit and killed a pig that had wandered out on a country road. Limbaugh told the chauffeur to drive up to the farm and apologize to the farmer. They drove up to the farm, the chauffeur got out and knocked on the front door and was let in. He was in there for what seemed like hours. When the chauffeur came out, Limbaugh was confused about why his driver had been in there so long. “Well, first the farmer shook my hand, then he offered me a beer, then his wife brought me some cookies, and his daughter showered me with kisses.” explained the driver. “What did you tell the farmer?
” Limbaugh asked. The chauffeur replied, “I told him I was Rush Limbaugh’s driver and I’d just killed the pig.”
Rumor has it that the new Miami baseball team will be called “Humidity” so that fans in Florida will be able to say, “It’s not the Heat that’s so bad, it’s the Humidity.”
Ruby Alice walked up to the desk of a Bowling Green motel and signed the register with the letter “O.” “Why’d you put that circle down?
” asked the clerk. “Cause Ah can’t write,” replied the girl. “Why don’t you sign with an ‘X’?
” asked the man. “Ah used to,” she answered. “But when Ah got me a divorce, Ah took back mah maiden name!”
Round the Mountain by Sheelagh B. Cummin
Ropin’ and Ranchin’by Larry Yett
Romeo: Your cheeks are like petals. Juliet: Really?
Romeo: Yes, bicycle pedals.
Romantic Remembranceby Valentine Card
Roger was sitting in a very full bus when a fat woman opposite said, “If you were a gentleman, young man, you’d stand up and let someone else sit down.” “And if you were a lady,” replied Roger, “you’d stand up and let four people sit down.”