The big game hunter was showing his friends his hunting trophies. Drawing their attention to a lion skin rug on the floor he said, “I shot this fellow in Africa. Didn’t want to kill such a magnificent beast, of course, but it was either him or me.” “Well,” said a guest, “he certainly makes a much better rug than you would!”
The Counselor was greeting the new campers.’So you decided to come to camp,’ she said to one.’Nope,’ the camper answered. ‘I was sent to camp!’
The cop got out of his car and the kid, that was stopped for speeding, rolled down his window.”I’ve been waiting for you all day,” the cop said.The guy replied, “Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could.” When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.
The congregation was sitting and waiting for the preacherto began his sermon when two masked men burst into thechurch and said “Whoever is not willing to take a bulletfor Jesus better leave now.” More than half of thecongregation jumped up and ran out the door. The two men took off their masks, sat in the front rowand said, “Okay, Reverend, you can preach now. All thehyprocrites are gone.”
The church was conducting its annual fund drive. One member of the congregation said, “I give ten dollars.” Just then, a piece of plaster fell from the ceiling and landed on his head. He spoke up again quickly. “I give a thousand dollars!”The minister said, “Lord, hit him again!”
The Chocolate Bar by Ken I Havesum
The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. “Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, ‘There’s Jennifer; she’s a lawyer,’ or ‘That’s Michael, he’s a doctor.'”A small voice from the back of the room rang out, “And there’s the teacher; she’s still old, nasty, and wrinkled”
The child was a typical four-year-old girl – cute, inquisitive, brightas a new penny. When she expressed difficulty in grasping the conceptof marriage, her father decided to pull out his wedding photo album, thinking visual images would help. One page after another, he pointed out the bride arriving at the church, the entrance, the wedding ceremony, the recessional, the reception, etc. “Now do you understand?
” he asked. “I think so,” she said, “is that when mommy came to work for us?
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The Chief Rabbi and the Pope are in a meeting in Rome. The Rabbi notices a fancy shmancy phone on a side table in the Pope’s private chambers. “What’s that phone for?
” he asks. “It’s my direct line to the Lord!” the Pope replies.The Rabbi is doubtful, but the Pope insists that he tries it out and, indeed, he is connected to the Lord and chats away with Him for a while. After he hangs up the Rabbi says. “Thank you very much. This is great! But listen, I want to pay for the charges I have used up.” The Pope doesn’t want to take the money, but finally gives in, checks the counter and says: Allright! The charge was 50,000 Lira.”, which the Rabbi gladly pays.A couple of weeks later, the Pope is in Jerusalem on an official visit. In the Rabbi’s chambers he sees the identical phone he has with a direct line to the Lord. The Pope asks if he could use it, because there were some urgent matt ers he needed to consult with Him. The Rabbi gladly hands him the phone and the Pope chats away. After he hangs up, he says: “Now I also want to pay for my charges on your phone.” The Rabbi looks on the counter and says: “1 Shekel 50!” The Pope looks surprised: “Why so cheap!” The Rabbi smiles: “Local call.”
The chief of staff of the US Air Force decided that he would personally intervene in the recruiting crisis affecting all of our armed services. He directed a nearby Air Force base that will be opened and that all eligible young men and women be invited. As he and his staff were standing near a brand new F-15 Fighter, a pair of twin brothers who looked like they had just stepped off a Marine Corps recruiting poster walked up to them. The chief of staff walked up to them, stuck out his hand and introduced himself. He looked at the first young man and asked, “Son, what skills can you bring to the Air Force?
” The young man looks at him and says, “I’m a pilot!” The general gets all excited, turns to his aide and says, “Get him in today, all the paper work done, everything, do it!” The aide hustles the young man off. The general looks at the second young man and asked, “What s kills to you bring to the Air Force?
” The young man says, “I chop wood!” “Son,” the general replies, “we don’t need wood choppers in the Air Force, what do you know how to do?
” “I chop wood!” “Young man,” huffs the general, “you are not listening to me, we don’t need wood choppers, this is the 20th century!” “Well,” the young man says, “you hired my brother!” “Of course we did,” says the general, “he’s a pilot!” The young man rolls his eyes and says, “So what! I have to chop it before he can pile it!”