The aspiring psychiatrists were attending their first class on emotional extremes. “Just to establish some parameters,” said the professor to the student from Arkansas, “What is the opposite of joy?
“”Sadness,” said the student.And the opposite of depression?
” he asked of the young lady from Oklahoma.”Elation,” said she.”And you sir,” he said to the young man from Texas, “how about the opposite of woe?
“The Texan replied, “Sir, I believe that would be giddy-up.”
The cannibal priest told his flock to close their eyes and say grace. “For whosoever we are about to eat, may the Lord make us truly thankful.”
The cannibal king was having dinner when a servant came running in. “Your Majesty,” he said, “the slaves are revolting!””You don’t have to tell me,” said the king. “I’m trying to eat them. “Where did we get these slaves anyway?
“”From the country next door,” replied the servant. “We must get a new butcher,” said the king. “Bring me Delia Smith.” “We can’t, Your Majesty, she’s still cooking for you.” “Well, bring her to me once she’s crispy enough,” said the king.
The brain is a wonder ful thingWhy do you say that ?
Because it starts working the second you get up in the morning and never stops until you get asked a question in class !
The boy is smoking and leaving smoke rings into the air.The girl gets irritated with the smoke and says to her lover: “Can’t you see the warning written on the cigarettes packet, smoking is injurious to health!”The boy replies back: “Darling, I am a programmer. We don’t worry about warnings, we only worry about errors.”
The Boston taxi driver backed into the stationary fruit stall and within seconds he had a cop beside him. “Name?
” “Brendan O’Connor.” “Same as mine. Where are you from?
” “County Cork.” “Same as me……” The policeman paused with his pen in the air. “Hold on a moment and I’ll come back and talk about the old county. I want to say something to this fella that ran into the back of your cab.”
The boss returned from lunch in a good mood and called the whole staff in to listen to a couple of jokes he had picked up. Everybody, but one girl laughed uproariously.”What’s the matter?
” grumbled the boss. “Haven’t you got a sense of humor?
“”I don’t have to laugh,” she replied. “I’m leaving Friday.”
The boss called one of his employees into the office. “Rob,” he said, “you’ve been with the company for a year. You started off in the post room, one week later you were promoted to a sales position, and one month after that you were promoted to district manager of the sales department. “Just four short months later, you were promoted to vice-chairman. Now it’s time for me to retire, and I want you to take over the company. “What do you say to that?
” “Thanks,” said the employee. “Thanks?
” the boss replied. “Is that all you can say?
” “I suppose not,” the employee said. “Thanks, Dad.”
The blonde was at the blood bank and sold a pint of blood. As she was leaving counting her $25, a man was leaving counting his money. He had $40. She asked if he had some rare blood type that he got more than she did. He said no, that he had donated sperm. The next day the bimbo was back at the blood bank. The receptionist asked if she was there to donate blood. The blonde could only shake her head, as her cheeks were bulging.
The blind farmer was often taken for a walk in the fields by a kind neighbor. However kindly the neighbor might have been, he was undoubtedly a coward. When a bull charged towards them one day, he abandoned the blind man. The bull, puzzled by a lack of fear, nudged the farmer in the back. He turned very quickly, caught the bull by the horns and threw it to the ground with a bump that left it breathless. “Aidan,” said the neighbor, “I never knew you were so strong.” “Faith, and if I could have got that fella off the handlebars of the bicycle I’d have thrashed him properly.”