Two cartons of yogurt walk into a bar. The bartender, who was a tub of cottage cheese, says to them, “We don’t serve your kind in here.” One of the yogurt cartons says back to him, “Why not?
We’re cultured individuals.”
Two cannibals were having their dinner. One said to the other, ‘I don’t like your friend.’The other one replied, ‘Well put her to one side and just eat the greens.’
Two deaf men were in a coffee shop discussing their wives. One signs to the other, boy was my wife mad at me last night! She went on and on and wouldn’t stop! The other Buddy says when my wife goes off on me I just don’t listen. How do you do that?
Says the other. It’s easy! I turn off the light!
Two confirmed bachelors sat talking. Their conversation drifted from politics to cooking. “I got a cookbook once,” said the first, “but I could never do anything with it.””Too much fancy cooking in it, eh?
” asked the second.”You said it. Every one of the recipes began the same way – ‘Take a clean dish and….'”
Two college students, Frank and Matt, are riding on a New York City subway when a beggar approaches them asking for spare change. Frank adamantly rejects the man in disgust. Matt, on the other hand, whips out his wallet, pulls out a couples of singles and gladly hands them over to the beggar with a smile.The beggar thanks him kindly and then continues on to the other passengers. Frank is outraged by his friend’s act of generosity. “What on earth did you do that for?
” shouts Frank. “You know he’s only going to use it on drugs or booze.” Matt replies, “And we weren’t?
“
Two elderly couples were enjoying friendly conversation when one of the men asked the other, “Fred, how was the memory clinic you went to last month?
” “Outstanding,” Fred replied. “They taught us all the latest psychological techiniques-visulization, association-it made a huge difference for me.” “That’s great! What was the name of the clinic?
” Fred went blank He thought and thought, but couldn’t remember. Then a smile broke across his face and he asked, “What do you call that flower with the long stem and thorns?
” “You mean a rose?
” “Yes, that’s it!” He turned to his wife. . .”Rose, what was the name of that clinic?
“
Two deaf people get married. During the first week of marriage, they findthat they are unable to communicate in the bedroom when they turn off thelights because they can’t see each other using sign language. After several nights of fumbling around and misunderstandings, the wife decides to find a solution. “Honey,” she signs, “Why don’t we agree on some simple signals?
For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. If you don’t want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast one time.” The husband thinks this is a great idea and signs back to his wife, “Great idea, Now if you want to have sex with ME, reach over and pull on my penis one time. If you don’t want to have sex, reach over and pull on my penis……fifty times”
Two elderly gentlemen, Sam and Harry, were having breakfast. Sam said to Harry,”Harry, why do you have a suppository in your ear?
“Harry took the suppository out, looked it over and said, “Sam, I’m really gladyou saw this thing, now I think I know where my hearing aid is.”
Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, “Now don’t get mad at me… I know we’ve been friends for a long time, but I just can’t remember your name. I’ve thought and thought, but I can’t recall it. Please tell me what your name is.”Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just looked at her.Finally she said, “How soon do you need to know?
“
Two elderly ladies were outside their nursing home, having a smoke, when it started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking. The lady asked, “What’s that?
” “A condom,” the other lady responded. “This way my cigarette doesn’t get wet.” “Where did you get it?
” the other lady asked. “You can get them at any drugstore.” The next day, the first lady hobbled herself down to the local drugstore and announced to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms. The guy looked at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of age), but politely asks what brand she prefers. “It doesn’t matter as long as it fits a Camel.” The pharmacist fainted.