Men are like road kill.They usually just lie around until they start to smell.

Men don’t get lost; they discover alternative destinations.

Men are like vacuum cleaners.They’re not much fun, but at least you get to push them around.

Now do you save a man from drowning?

Take your foot off his head.

One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God, “Lord, I have a problem!” “What’s the problem, Eve?

” “Lord, I know you’ve created me and have provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, and that hilarious comedy snake, but I’m just not happy.” “Why is that, Eve?

” came the reply from above. “Lord, I am lonely. And I’m sick to death of apples.” “Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you.” “What’s a ‘man’, Lord?

” “This man will be a flawed creature, with aggressive tendencies, an enormous ego and an inability to empathize or listen to you properly. All in all, he’ll give you a hard time. But, he’ll be bigger and faster and more muscular than you. He’ll be really good at fighting and kicking a ball about and hunting fleet-footed ruminants, and not altogether bad in the sack.” “Sounds g reat,” says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow. “Yeah, well. He’s better than a poke in the eye with a burnt stick. But, you can have him on one condition.” “What’s that, Lord?

” “You’ll have to let him believe that I made him first.”

One night a wife found her husband standing over their baby’s crib. Silently she watched him. As he stood looking down at the sleeping infant, she saw on his face a mixture of emotions: disbelief, doubt, delight, amazement, enchantment, skepticism.Touched by this unusual display and the deep emotions it aroused, with eyes glistening she slipped her arm around her husband.”A penny for your thoughts,” she said.”It’s amazing!” he replied. “I just can’t see how anybody can make a crib like that for only $46.50.”

One Saturday afternoon, a man was sitting in his lawn chair drinking beer and watching his wife mow the lawn. A neighbor lady was so outraged at this, she came over and shouted at the man, “You should be hung!” To which he calmly replied, “I am. That’s why she cuts the grass!”

Q. How are men like television commercials?

A. You can’t believe a word either one of them says, and they both last about 30 seconds.

Q. How do men exercise on the beach?

A. By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.

Q. How do men define a “50/50” relationship?

A. We cook-they eat; we clean-they dirty; we iron-they wrinkle.