Psychiatrist to his nurse: “Just say we’re very busy. Don’t keep saying ‘It’s a madhouse.'”

Psychiatrist: Well, what’s your problem?

Patient: I prefer brown shoes to black shoes.Psychiatrist: There’s nothing wrong with that. Lots of people prefer brown shoes to black shoes. I do myself.Patient: Really?

How do your like yours – fried or boiled?

Psychiatrist to Internal Revenue agent on couch: “Nonsense! No way does everyone in the world hate you — everyone in the US perhaps, but certainly not everyone in the world.”

The aspiring psychiatrists were attending their first class on emotional extremes. “Just to establish some parameters,” said the professor to the student from Arkansas, “What is the opposite of joy?

“”Sadness,” said the student.And the opposite of depression?

” he asked of the young lady from Oklahoma.”Elation,” said she.”And you sir,” he said to the young man from Texas, “how about the opposite of woe?

“The Texan replied, “Sir, I believe that would be giddy-up.”

The head doctors in an insane asylum had a meeting and decided that one of their patients was potentially well. So they decide to test him and take him to the movies. When they get to the movie theater, there are signs of wet paint pointing to the benches. The doctors just sit down, but the patient puts a newspaper down first and then sits down. The doctors get all excited cause they think maybe he’s in touch with reality now. So they ask him, ” Why did you put the newspaper down first?

” He answers, “So I’d be higher and have a better view.”

The mother of a problem child was advised by a psychiatrist, “You are far too upset and worried about your son. I suggest you take tranquilizers regularly.”On her next visit the psychiatrist asked, “Have the tranquilizers calmed you down?

“”Yes,” the boy’s mother answered.”And how is your son now?

” the psychiatrist asked.”Who cares?

” the mother replied.

The psychology instructor had just finished a lecture on mental health and was giving an oral test.Speaking specifically about manic depression, she asked, “How would you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, then sits in a chair weeping uncontrollably the next?

“A young man in the rear raised his hand and answered, “A basketball coach?

“

Three patients in a mental institution prepare for an examination given by the head psychiatrist. If the patients pass the exam, they will be free to leave the hospital. However, if they fail, the institution will detain them for five years.The doctor takes the three patients to the top of a diving board looking over an empty swimming pool, and asks the first patient to jump.The first patient jumps head first into the pool and breaks both arms.Then the second patient jumps and breaks both legs.The third patient looks over the side and refuses to jump. “Congratulations! You’re a free man. Just tell me why didn’t you jump?

” asked the doctor.To which the third patient answered, “Well Doc, I can’t swim!”

Three patients at a psychiatric clinic are up for release. The shrink informs them that they will have to pass a simple test. Asking the first patient: Q. How much is two plus two?

A: Blue. At which the kind doctor calls in the orderly to escort the patient back to his room. Turning to the second patient, he asks what is six minus three?

To which the patient replies: Square. Once again the orderly is called in to remove the patient. Turning to the third and last patient, he asks, “How much is five plus five?

” The patient answers very confidentally: Ten. The doctor, amazed then inquires how did you figure it out?

The patient: “Easy.Blue multiplied by square equals ten.”

Two psychiatrists were walking down a hall.One turned to the other and said, “Hello.”The other one thought, “I wonder what he meant by that.”