Author Archives: lennart

It was a few days before Christm…

It was a few days before Christmas. The trip went reasonably well, and he was ready to go back home. The airport on the other end had turned a tacky red and green, and loudspeakers blared annoying elevator renditions of cherished Christmas carols. Being someone who took Christmas very seriously, and being slightly tired, he was not in a particularly good mood. (Almost a scrooge) Going to check in his luggage (which, for some reason, had become one suitcase with entirely new clothes), he saw hanging mistletoe. Not real mistletoe, but very cheap plastic with red paint on some of the rounder parts and green paint on some of the flatter and pointer parts, that could be taken for mistletoe only in a very Picasso sort of way. With a considerable degree of irritation and nowhere else to vent it, he said to the attendant, “Even if we were married, I would not want to kiss you under such a ghastly mo ckery of mistletoe.” “Sir, look more closely at where the mistletoe is.” “Ok, I see that it’s above the luggage scale which is the place you’d have to step forward for a kiss.” “That’s not why it’s there.” “Ok, I give up. Why is it there?

” “It’s there so you can kiss your luggage good-bye.”

It was a dark, stormy, night. Th…

It was a dark, stormy, night. The Marine was on his first assignment, and it was guard duty. A General stepped out taking his dog for a walk. The nervous young Private snapped to attention, made a perfectsalute, and snapped out, “Sir, Good Evening, Sir!”The General, out for some relaxation, returned the salute and said “Good evening soldier, nice night, isn’t it?

“Well it wasn’t a nice night, but the Private wasn’t going to disagree with the General, so the he saluted again and replied, “Sir, Yes Sir!”The General continued, “You know there’s something about a stormy night that I find soothing, it’s really relaxing. Don’t you agree?

“The Private didn’t agree, but then the private was just a private, and responded, “Sir, Yes Sir!”The General, pointing at the dog, “This is a Golden Retriever, the best type of dog to train.”The Private glanced at the dog, saluted yet again, and said, “Sir, Yes Sir!”The General continued “I got this dog for my wife.”The Private simply said, “Good trade, Sir!”

It was Rocky’s first night in th…

It was Rocky’s first night in the penitentiary. All of the inmates were intheir cells and he was trying to become a bit more comfortable with hismeager surroundings. As he leaned against the bars at the front of hiscell, Rocky heard a voice call out “44” and the whole cell block eruptedinto laughter! Another voice called “16” and again there was laughter. Athird voice called “62” which was followed by laughter throughout the block.Rocky didn’t know what was going on so he rapped on his cell wall.”Yeah, whaddaya want?

” came the gruff reply from next door.”What’s going on, here?

” asked Rocky.”Well,” said the other inmate, “down in the prison library there’s only onejoke book. We’ve all read the book so many times that we don’t waste timetelling the joke, we just call out it’s number.”So the next day Rocky went down to the library and, sure enough, found rtheyellowed, dog-eared joke book and read it from cover to cover. That night,wanting to be part of the group, Rocky confidently called out “44” andeveryone laughed! He tried calling “16” and “62” and again there were pealsof laughter. Then he called 57, and the halls rang with laughter.After several minutes, one prisoner was still rolling on the floor laughing.More minutes – still laughing. Rocky rapped on the cell wall. “Yeah,waddaya want?

” asked the other inmate.”I don’t understand it,” asked Rocky, “Why is Bill still laughing?

“”Well,” said the gruff inmate, “He never heard that one before!”

It was Halloween and three vampi…

It was Halloween and three vampires went into a saloon and bellied up to the bar. “What will you have?

” the bartender asked. “I’ll have a glass of blood,” the first replied. “I’ll have a glass of blood, too, please,” said the second. “I’ll have a glass of plasma,” said the third. “OK, let me get this straight,” the bartender said. “That’ll be two bloods and a blood light?

“

It was a particularly tough foot…

It was a particularly tough football game, and nerves were on edge. The home team had been the victim of three or four close calls, and they were now trailing the visitors by a touch-down and a field goal. When the official called yet another close one in the visitors’ favor, the home quarterback blew his top.How many times can you do this to us in a single game?

” he screamed. “You were wrong on the out-of-bounds, you were wrong on that last first down, and you missed an illegal tackle in the first quarter.” The official just stared. The quarterback seethed, but he suppressed the language that might get him tossed from the game. “What it comes down to,” he bellowed, “is that you STINK!” The official stared a few more seconds. Then he bent down, picked up the ball, paced off 15 yards, and put the ball down. He turned to face the steaming quarterback. The official finally replied, “And how do I smell from here?

“

It was Grandpa Jones’ 100th birt…

It was Grandpa Jones’ 100th birthday and he was still in perfect health. At his birthday party he was asked how he managed to live so long and stay so fit.He explained “I put my long life down to spending so much time out of doors. I’ve been in the open air, day after day, rain or shine, for the last 75th years.””How do you manage to keep up such a rigorous fitness regime?

” we asked.”It’s simple” he said. “When I married my wife 75 years ago, we both made solemn pledge on our wedding night. We agreed that whenever we ever had a fight, whoever was proved wrong would go outside and take long walk.”

It was about a month ago when a …

It was about a month ago when a man in Amsterdam felt that he needed to confess, so went to his priest:”Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. During WWII I hid a refugee in my attic.””Well,” answered the priest, “that’s not a sin.””But I made him agree to pay me 20 Gulden for every week he stayed.” “I admit that wasn’t good, but you did it for a good cause.” “Oh, thank you, Father; that eases my mind. I have one more question…” “What is that, my son?

” “Do I have to tell him the war is over?

“