Author Archives: lennart

One day an out of work mime is v…

One day an out of work mime is visiting the zoo and attemptsto earn some money as a street performer. Unfortunately, assoon as he starts to draw a crowd, a zoo keeper grabs him anddrags him into his office. The zoo-keeper explains to the mime that the zoo’s mostpopular attraction, a gorilla, has died suddenly and thekeeper fears that attendance at the zoo will fall off. Heoffers the mime a job to dress up as the gorilla until theycan get another one. The mime accepts. So the next morning the mime puts on the gorilla suit andenters the cage before crowd comes. He discovers that it’s agreat job. He can sleep all he wants, play and make fun ofpeople and he draws bigger crowds than he ever did as a mime.However, eventually the crowds tire of him and he tires ofjust swinging on tires. He begins to notice that the people are paying moreattention to the lion in the cag e next to his. Not wanting tolose the attention of his audience, he climbs to the top ofhis cage, crawls across a partition, and dangles from the topto the lion’s cage. Of course, this makes the lion furious,but the crowd loves it. At the end of the day the zoo-keepercomes and gives the mime a raise for being such a goodattraction. Well, this goes on for some time, the mime keeps tauntingthe lion, the crowds grow larger, and his salary keeps goingup. Then one terrible day when he is dangling over thefurious lion, he slips and falls. The mime is terrified. Thelion gathers itself and prepares to pounce. The mime is so scared that he begins to run round and roundthe cage with the lion close behind. Finally, the mime startsscreaming and yelling, “Help, Help me!” but the lion is quickand pounces. The mime soon finds himself flat on his back looking up atthe angry lion and the lion says, ” Shut up you idiot! Do youwant to get us both fired?

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One day an Englishman, an Americ…

One day an Englishman, an American, and a Canadian walked into a pub together. The proceeded to each buy a pint of Molson Canadian. Just as they were about to enjoy their beverage three flies landed in each of their pints. The Englishman pushed his beer away from him in disgust. The American fished the offending fly out of his beer and continued drinking it as if nothing had happened. The Canadian picked the fly out of his drink and started shaking it over the pint, yelling… “SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT YOU BASTARD!!!”

One day a teacher was asking her…

One day a teacher was asking her class to use absolutely in a sentence.So Janet raised her hand and said the sky is absolutely blue, the teacher said no, it is not, sometimes is black or has different colors. Another little boy raised his hand and said “the leaves on the trees are absolutely green” the teacher said no, they could be different colors at different times of the year. Little Johnny raised his hand and asked if there where lumps in farts,the teachers said no, I don’t believe so.And Little Johnny said,” well then I absolutely just shit in my pants!!!!”

One day a rather inebriated ice …

One day a rather inebriated ice fisherman drilled a hole in the ice and peered into the hole and a loud voice said, “There are no fish down there.”He walked several yards away and drilled another hole and peered into the hole and again the voice said, “There’s no fish down there.”He then walked about 50 yards away and drilled another hole and again the voice said, “There’s no fish down there.” He looked up into the sky and asked, “God, is that you?

” “No, you idiot,” the voice said, “it’s the rink manager.”

One day a man was sleeping and t…

One day a man was sleeping and the neighbor’s little girl entered his house, woke him up and said, “What is that between your legs?

” He replied that is “my bird.” He went back to sleep. She came back later and said, “What’s that furry stuff around your bird?

” He replied that’s “my nest.” So he went back to sleep. She came back later. “What’s those two things under it?

” He said those are “the eggs.” She said, “Okay, can I play with your bird,and he said “ok.” When he woke up later, he noticed that he was in the hospital. He saw the little girl and asked, “what happened?

” She said, “When I was playing with your bird he spit in my eye so I chopped off his head, burnt down his nest and busted his eggs!”

One day a lady was driving on th…

One day a lady was driving on the Highway. She frequently checked her speed gauge to make sure she stayed within the speed limit. However, when she looked into her rear mirror, much to her dismay, she saw a police car not far behind! And, to make matters worse, the police car turned on his flashing lights. She thought to herself, “Uh-oh, what have I done now?

I’m not speeding. I’m not drinking. I have my seat belt on! I have kept up my license dues and everything!”So, she pulled over and the police car pulled over to the side right behind her car. She drove her car slowly to a stop, slowly rolled down the window, and prepared for a ticket when she knew she didn’t deserve it. A policeman walked up to her window, and spoke to her. The lady pointed to her ear and shook her head, meaning she was deaf. The policeman smiled slightly, and knowing sign language, signed back, “I know. I’m here to tell you that your horn is stuck.”

One day a guy was driving with h…

One day a guy was driving with his 4-year-old daughterand beeped his car horn by mistake.She turned and looked at him for an explanation.He said, “I did that by accident.”She replied, “I know that, daddy.”He replied, “How’d you know?

“The girl said, “Because you didn’t say ‘ASSHOLE!’ afterwards!”

One day a fisherman was lying on…

One day a fisherman was lying on a beautiful beach, with his fishing pole propped up in the sand and his solitary line cast out into the sparkling blue surf. He was enjoying the warmth of the afternoon sun and the prospect of catching a fish. About that time, a businessman came walking down the beach, trying to relieve some of the stress of his workday. He noticed the fisherman sitting on the beach and decided to find out why this fisherman was fishing instead of working harder to make a living for himself and his family. “You aren’t going to catch many fish that way,” said the businessman to the fisherman, “you should be working rather than lying on the beach!” The fisherman looked up at the businessman, smiled and replied, “And what will my reward be?

” “Well, you can get bigger nets and catch more fish!” was the businessman’s answer. “And then what will my reward be?

” asked the fisherman, still smiling. The businessman replied, “You will make money and you’ll be able to buy a boat, which will then result in larger catches of fish!” “And then what will my reward be?

” asked the fisherman again. The businessman was beginning to get a little irritated with the fisherman’s questions. “You can buy a bigger boat, and hire some people to work for you!” he said. “And then what will my reward be?

” repeated the fisherman. The businessman was getting angry. “Don’t you understand?

You can build up a fleet of fishing boats, sail all over the world, and let all your employees catch fish for you!” Once again the fisherman asked, “And then what will my reward be?

” The businessman was red with rage and shouted at the fisherman, “Don’t you understand that you can become so rich that you will never have to work for your living again! You can spend all the rest of your day s sitting on this beach, looking at the sunset. You won’t have a care in the world!” The fisherman, still smiling, looked up and said, “And what do you think I’m doing right now?

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