The cyclist, passing a pedestrian crossing, runs into a man, and they both fall down. -“Geez, are you lucky.” The cyclist says. -“What do you mean by lucky ?
” The pedestrian angrily asks. “I got hurt really bad.” -“Ah, you’re lucky because I recently lost my license. I usually drive a bus.”
The cross eyed judge looked at the three defendants in the dock and said to the first one, “So how do you plead?
“”Not guilty” said the second defendant.”I wasn’t talking to you” the judge replied.”I never said a word” the third defendant replied.
The Crist family worked at a zoo. Each year they predicted the general luck and overall mood of the year by watching the the gnu. If the gnu’s ears were forward, that meant a successful, joyous year was almost certain to happen. But if his ears were laid back flat against his head, it meant that an unlucky or very unhappy year was sure to come. One year it was young Mary’s turn to “survey” the animal and come up with the prediction. It was her first time solo, and in her excitement, she forgot to take the key to the cage. She was late in coming to check on the gnu. Well, she saw the wrong ear position and predicted a bad year, when in fact it was quite good. To explain the error, the local newspaper ran the following headline a year later: MARY CRIST MISSES AN HAPPY GNU’S EAR!
The Economic Breakfast by Roland Marge
The eastern lady who was all ready to take a horseback ride said to the cowboy, “Can you get me a nice gentle pony?
” “Shore,” said the cowboy. “What kind of a saddle do you want, English or western?
” “What’s the difference?
” asked the lady. “The western saddle has a horn on it,” said the cowboy. “If the traffic is so thick here in the mountains that I need a horn on my saddle, I don’t believe I want to ride.”
The drunken wino was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter.A cop pulled up and said, “I’ve got to take you in, sir. You’re obviously drunk”The wasted wino asked, “Ociffer, are ya absolutely sure I’m drunk?
“”Yeah, buddy, I’m sure,” said the copper. “Let’s go.”Obviously relieved, the wino said “That’s a relief – I thought I was a cripple.”
The drunk was floundering down the alley carrying a box with holes on the side. He bumped into a friend who asked, “What do you have in there, pal?
“”A mongoose.””What for?
“”Well, you know how drunk I can get. When I get drunk I see snakes, and I’m scared to death of snakes. That’s why I got this mongoose, for protection.” “But,” the friend said, “you idiot! Those are imaginary snakes.” “That’s okay,” said the drunk, showing his friend the interior of the box, “So is the mongoose.”
The Doctor was puzzled “I’m very sorry but I can’t diagnose your trouble, Mahoney. I think it must be drink. “”Don’t worry about it Dr. Kelley, I’ll come back when you’re sober.”
The doctor comes to see his heart transplant patient.”This is good news. It is very unusual, but we have two donors to choose from for your new heart.”The patient is pleased. He asks, “What were their jobs?
“”One was a teacher and the other was an accountant.””I’ll take the accountant’s heart,” says the patient. “I want one that hasn’t been used.”
The divorce court was attentive as the wealthy Yuppette complained tothe Judge that her husband had left her bed and board.When she had finished, the husband’s lawyer rose to his feet andcoolly replied, “Your Honor, I have a slight correction in the typingof the charging documents. My client claims that he left her bed’bored’.”