The politician was sitting at his campaign headquarters when the phone rang. He listened intently, and after a moment his face brightened. When he hung up, he immediately phoned his mother to tell her the good news. “Ma,” he shouted, “the results are in. I won the election!” “Honestly?
” The politician’s smiled faded. “Aw hell, ma, why bring that up at a time like this?
“
The reason the Air Force, Army, Navy and Marines bicker amongst themselves is that they don’t speak the same language. For instance, Take the simple phrase “secure the building”.The Army will post guards around the place.The Navy will turn out the lights and lock the doors.The Marines will kill everybody inside and set up a headquarters.The Air Force will take out a 5 year lease with an option to buy.
The Punished Schoolboy by Major Bumsaw
The psychology instructor had just finished a lecture on mental health and was giving an oral test.Speaking specifically about manic depression, she asked, “How would you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, then sits in a chair weeping uncontrollably the next?
“A young man in the rear raised his hand and answered, “A basketball coach?
“
The proud owner of an impressive new clock was showing it off to a friend. ‘This clock,’ he said, ‘will go for 14 days without winding.’ ‘Really?
‘ replied his friend, ‘And how long will it go if you do wind it ?
‘
The programmer to his son: “Here, I brought you a new basketball.””Thank you, daddy, but where is the user’s guide?
“
The producer of a low budget film is trying to convince the newly hired director of the quality of the work by telling him the big names they’ve gotten for the cast. “First of all,” he tells him, “We’ve got Gibson in the lead.” The director is surprised, “You got Mel Gibson?
” “Well, no,” the Producer responds, “we got Marvin Gibson, he’s a distant cousin who lives in Queens, but he’s very up and coming. And besides, we’ve also got Redford.” “You got Robert Redford?
” the director asks. “No, we got Jeremy Redford, but he’s very talented and has lots of acting experience from years of dinner theater. But,” he says enthusiastically, ” we’ve got Streisand and in a singing role.” “Barbara Streisand?
” he asks. “No, Elizabeth Streisand.” The Producer responds. “But she’s got a great voice. AND we’ve got Goulet.” “You got Robert Goulet?
” the director asks. “Yeah,” the producer replies glumly, “we got Robert Goulet.”
The problem with physicists is that they tend to cheat in order to get results.The problem with mathematicians is that they tend to work on toy problems in order to get results.The problem with program verifiers is that they tend to cheat at toy problems in order to get results.
The priest was preparing a man for his long day’s journey into night.Whispering firmly, the priest said, “Denounce the Devil! Let him knowhow little you think of his evil!”The dying man said nothing.The priest repeated his order. Still the dying man said nothing.The priest asked, “Why do you refuse to denounce the Devil and his evil?
“The dying man said, “Until I know where I’m heading, I don’t think Iought to aggravate anybody!”
The President is running down the street one day, and he sees a little girl who is giving away puppies that her dog just had.He goes up to the girl and says, “Little girl, I think that it’s wonderful that you’re doing such a good thing.”The little girl says, “Thank you, Mr. Clinton. Would you like a puppy?
They’re Democrats.”Bill declines and jogs onward. The next day Billy jogs past the same girl and decides to talk to her again. “You know what, little girl?
I think I’ll take one of those puppies after all, seeing as how they’re Democrats.”The girl says, “I’m sorry Mr. Clinton, but they’re not Democrats any more. They’re Republican now.”Bill says, “They are?
How do you know?
As a matter of fact, how did you know that they were Democrats at first to begin with?
“She says, “Well, just after they were born they were Democrats, but now their eyes are open.”