Elf: My favourite film is about the man who casts spells in the middle of a swamp.Father Christmas: That’s called ‘The Wizard of Ooze’!
Elf: My favourite film is about …
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Author Archives: lennart
ELF NO. 1: What did Santa shout …
ELF NO. 1: What did Santa shout to his toys on Christmas Eve?
ELF NO. 2: Okay everyone, sack time!!
Egotistical Harry was always rem…
Egotistical Harry was always reminding people that he played semi-pro baseball.”I was the James Bond type of player,” he told his friends. “I had all sorts of tricks to confuse the opposition.””Batted .007,” his wife added.
Edney and Cole, two Ohio Edison …
Edney and Cole, two Ohio Edison electrical repairmen, were working on a blown house circuit. “Hey, Cole!” said Edney. “See those two wires?
” “Sure,” Cole answered. “Now just grab one of them.” Cole grabbed one of the wires. “Feel anything?
” asked his partner. “Not a thing,” answered Cole. “Good!” said Edney. “Don’t touch the other one or you’ll drop dead!”
Eddie’s father called up to him,…
Eddie’s father called up to him, ‘Eddie, if you don’t stop playing that trumpet I think I’ll go crazy!’Eddy replied, ‘I think you are already, I stopped playing half an hour ago.’
Easter is approaching. Father O’…
Easter is approaching. Father O’Maley checks estimates for the flowerdecoration of the altar.The catholic florist – $ 300. “Too expensive” moans the priest.The protestant florist – $ 250, “No, it would not be right to buy atanother Christian believer, especially as the price difference is rather small.” But lo! Solly Goldberg – $ 75!!!Religion or economics?
After much consideration, Solly obtains thecontract.On Easter Sunday morning, Goldberg’s men deliver the flowers: wonderfulroses, azaleas, camellias, tulips and carnations. O’Maley’s last reservations are discarded.When the parishioners arrive in the church, they see the magnificentflower arrangement and a ribbon with the inscription:”Jesus has risen! But the prices of Goldberg always stay the same.”
Early Texas governors were not v…
Early Texas governors were not very well educated. There was once a chief executive who thought “grammar” was his father’s mother. On one occasion this governor went hunting and forgot his gun. He phoned his secretary and asked him to send the gun.”The phone connection’s bad,” said the secretary. “I couldn’t catch that last word. Spell it.” The governor replied, ” ‘G’ like in Jesus; ‘U’ like in onion; ‘N’ like in pneumonia GUN, you damn fool!”
During training exercises, the l…
During training exercises, the lieutenant who was driving down a muddy back road encountered another car stuck in the mud with a red-faced colonel at the wheel. “Your jeep stuck, sir?
” asked the lieutenant as he pulled alongside “Nope,” replied the colonel, coming over and handing him the keys “Yours is.”
During the wedding rehearsal, th…
During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the vicar with an unusual offer. “Look, I’ll give you $100 if you’ll change the wedding vows. When you get to me and the part where I’m to promise to ‘love, honor and obey’ and ‘forsaking all others, be faithful to her forever,’ I’d appreciate it if you’d just leave that part out.” He passed the clergyman the cash and walked away satisfied. The wedding day arrives, and the bride and groom have moved to that part of the ceremony where the vows are exchanged. When it comes time for the groom’s vows, the vicar looks the young man in the eye and says, “Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?
” Th e groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice, “Yes.” The groom leaned toward the vicar and hissed, “I thought we had a deal.” The vicar put the $100 into his hand and whispered back, “She made me a much better offer.”
During the Vietnam War, a hillbi…
During the Vietnam War, a hillbilly soldier shot about a dozen of the enemy during his first battle. The Sergeant said, “How’d you learn to shoot like that ?
Have you ever been in combat before?
” “Well suh,” drawled the boy, “To be honest, this is my first public war.”