Mrs. Smith: Help me, doctor! My son, John, swallowed the can opener!Doctor: Don’t panic. He’ll be alright.Mrs. Smith: But how do I open the can of beans?

! The toast is getting cold!

Nurse: Would you like an appointment for next week?

Patient: No, I’m sick now.

Nurse: Doctor, there is a man in the waiting room with a glass eye named Brown.Doctor: What does he call his other eye?

Patient (to cosmetic surgeon): Will it hurt me, doctor?

Surgeon: Only when you get my bill, Mrs Brown.

Patient: I’m in a hospital! Why am I in here?

Doctor: You’ve had an accident involving a bus.Patient: What happened?

Doctor: Well, I’ve got some good news and some bad news. Which would you like to hear first?

Patient: Give me the bad news first.Doctor: Your legs were injured so badly that we had to amputate both of them.Patient: That’s terrible! What’s the good news?

Doctor: There’s a guy in the next ward who made a very good offer on your slippers.

Patient: I always see spots before my eyes.Doctor: Didn’t the new glasses help?

Patient: Sure, now I see the spots much clearer.

Patient: Doctor, you must help me. I’m under such a lot of stress, I keep losing my temper with people.Doctor: Tell me about your problem.Patient: I just did, didn’t I, you stupid fool!!

Patient: Doctor, what should I do if my temperature goes up five more points?

Doctor: Sell!

Patient: Doctor, if I give up wine, women, and song, will I live longer?

Doctor: Not really. It will just seem longer.

Patient: Doctor, I think I swallowed a pillow.Doctor: How do you feel?

Patient: A little down in the mouth.