How do you stop squirrels playing football in the garden ?

Hide the ball, it drives them nuts !

How does a physicist exercise?

By pumping ion!

How many Man U. fans does it take to change a lightbulb?

One to change the lightbulb, and one to drive down to Kent to pick him/her up.

If you have a referee in football, what do you have in bowls?

Cornflakes!

If you have a referee in football, what do you have in bowls ?

Cornflakes !

It was a particularly tough football game, and nerves were on edge. The home team had been the victim of three or four close calls, and they were now trailing the visitors by a touch-down and a field goal. When the official called yet another close one in the visitors’ favor, the home quarterback blew his top.How many times can you do this to us in a single game?

” he screamed. “You were wrong on the out-of-bounds, you were wrong on that last first down, and you missed an illegal tackle in the first quarter.” The official just stared. The quarterback seethed, but he suppressed the language that might get him tossed from the game. “What it comes down to,” he bellowed, “is that you STINK!” The official stared a few more seconds. Then he bent down, picked up the ball, paced off 15 yards, and put the ball down. He turned to face the steaming quarterback. The official finally replied, “And how do I smell from here?

“

Joe decides to take his boss Phil to play 9 holes on their lunch. While both men are playing excellent they are often held up by two women in front of them moving at a very slow pace. Joe offers to talk to the women and see if they can speed it up a bit. He gets about half of the way there stops and jogs back.His boss asks what the problem is. “Well one of those women is my wife and the other my mistress,” complained Joe. Phil just shook his head at Joe and started toward the women determined to finish his round of golf. Preparing to ask the ladies to speed up their game, he too stopped short and turned around.Joe asked “what’s wrong?

” It’s a small, small world Joe, and you’re fired”

Manager: Twenty teams in the league and you lot finish bottom?

Captain: Well, it could have been worse.Manager: How?

Captain: There could have been more teams in the league!

Manager: Twenty teams in the league and you lot finish bottom ?

Captain: Well, it could have been worse.Manager: How ?

Captain: There could have been more teams in the league !

Manager: Our new midfielder cost ten million. I call him our wonder playerFan: Why’s that?

Manager: Everytime he plays I wonder why I bothered to buy him!