The man who was about to die said to the Sheriff, “Say, do I really have to die swinging from a tree?
” “Course not,” replied the Sheriff. “We just put the rope round your neck and kick the horse away. After that it’s up to you.”
The nurse who can smile when things go wrong is probably going off duty.
The ninety-year-old man was in for his checkup when the nurse practitioner learned he was about to marry an eighteen year old girl. “Now, Mr. Jenkins,” the nurse practitioner warned, “you should know that when a man your age marries an eighteen-year-old girl, somebody could get hurt.” The old man shrugged, “If she dies, she dies.”
The night before her wedding, the bride-to-be talked with her mother. “Mom,” shesaid, “I want you to teach me how to make my new husband happy.”The mother took a deep breath and began, “When two people love, honor, andrespect each other, love can be a very beautiful thing…””I know how to fuck, mother,” the bride-to-be interrupted. “I want you to teachme how to make a great lasagna.”
The newlyweds arrived at the front desk of the posh ocean-side resort in Hilton Head, South Carolina, looking all fresh, and eager to enjoytheir two week vacation/honeymoon.The stunning blonde at the front desk smiled and said, “Well, hiJimmy, how ya been lover ?
Long time no see.”A frosty silence prevailed until the couple reached their room. Onceinside, the piqued bride demanded: “And just who was THAT woman ?
!?
!?
“The groom wiped his brow and said, “Just relax honey. Please ! I’mgoing to have enuff trouble explaining you to her.”
The newlywed wife said to her husband when he returned from work, “I have great news for you. Pretty soon, we’re going to be three in this house instead of two.”Her husband ran to her with a smile on his face and delight in his eyes.He was glowing of happiness and kissing his wife when she said, “I’m glad that you feel this way since tomorrow morning, my mother moves in with us.”
The new office-boy came into his boss’s office and said, “I think you’re wanted on the phone, sir.” “What d’you mean, you think?
” demanded the boss. “Well, sir, the phone rang, I answered it and a voice said ‘is that you, you old fool?
“
The new employee stood before the paper shredder looking confused. “Need some help?
” a secretary asked. “Yes,” he replied. “How does this thing work?
” “Simple,” she said, taking the fat report from his hand and feeding it into the shredder. “Thanks, but where do the copies come out?
“
The New Drum by Major Headache
The Naughty Schoolboy by Enid Spanking